My Prayers, His Promises

30 Days of Thanksgiving!

2011-11-09T10:48:00.001-05:00

Hello Friends!

Many of you are already giving thanks for the many blessings in your life! I’m so in love with those kinds of posts =) They seriously make my heart happy! If you haven’t started, you aren’t too late to play! Jump right in!

I’m doing most/all of my posting over on Killian Corner now! I invite you to follow along by email or Google reader.

Love and prayers to all of you! Tis the season of Miracles! (Praying for many, many, MANY answered prayers!)

Pick of the Patch

2011-10-28T21:11:00.000-04:00

New post here.

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-27T21:05:00.004-04:00

New post here. Don't forget to scroll down to enter the giveaway I'm hosting for Dayspring.

Also, I invite you to follow along on Killian Corner. We would love to have you!

RFW:Pretty in Print?

2011-10-25T10:22:00.002-04:00

New Resolution for Women post here.

Need a Christmas gift for a child under the age of 10? Don't forget to enter my giveaway by DaySpring here.

I'd love to have you follow along on my new blog Killian Corner! :)

God Bless!

Review and Giveaway from DaySprings/RFW Overflowing Blessing

2011-10-22T17:20:00.002-04:00

Review and Giveaway found here. Check it out!

Resolution for Women: Overflowing Blessing found here.

RFW:The Secret

2011-10-20T15:38:00.001-04:00

New post found here. Please become a follower of Killian Corner. I'll also be hosting a review/giveaway from Daysprings this weekend! Check it out!

The Resolution for Women: Part 1 This is who I am

2011-10-18T17:36:00.003-04:00

I have a new post here. Please follow the Killian Corner. I'll be doing most (if not all of my posting over on my other blog now.

Reason I've been away...

2011-10-14T20:18:00.008-04:00

I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't had much to say ever since I received my first (what I feel was) hateful comment. My intuition told me to delete it immediately--I knew there was nothing true in it, but I kind of wished I would have shared it with you all.

After careful consideration and time to reflect and pray, I wish to address you specifically Anonymous. I'll paraphrase your comment, but basically you said that you read most of my posts. You said that you had been trying to have a baby for roughly 2 years, and that you were so disappointed in my quick reaction to stop pursuing foster parenting as soon as I got pregnant. You said you continued to read in hoping that I would finish fostering--and that I was just like everyone else...quick to pity those who haven't been able to conceive. Then you told me in closing thank you for wasting your time.

Ouch! Did you really see me that way?

If you read my blog you will know that while I was pursing fostering, I was also returning to school to be a teacher, right? And that when I found out I was pregnant and continued to pursue my teaching degree, I knew there wasn't enough hours in the day to work full time, go to school, be pregnant, and give a foster child the attention he/she desperately needs and deserves. If you know anything about a foster program, then you know that it isn't just stepping into the parenting role. There are other duties it includes, which aren't limited to parental visits, doctors, and court dates. All of those tasks seemed relatively possible before I conceived my son. I was his only protector, as he was in my womb, and I'm sorry if you don't understand that he was my first priority.

Yes, I did stop pursuing fostering. I will take ownership of that decision. But it wasn't a decision I made lightly. I felt as if I were another adult who was letting children down. I wrestled with the guilt it caused. However, if you continued reading then you would also know it is something that my husband and I plan to revisit once I am finished with school.

But, if you see me as someone who feels pity on those who aren't able to conceive, you couldn't be more off base. I am burdened terribly for those who are journeying through the depths of infertility--a journey I walked for 5 years. I pray for those women numerous times per day, and oftentimes these prayers included you without your knowledge. Tonight I will pray for you specifically and for God to give you your deepest hearts desire. I pray that your prayers will soon be answered in addition to the women whom I've connected with on this blog.

I realize I open myself up to negative feedback by posting online. However, I never meant to make anyone feel as if I was flaunting in their face that I was no longer infertile. It will always be part of who I am. I had hoped that my story would give hope to those who had loss all faith in miracles. That was once me, and I felt so alone. If I could make any other person feel less alone...if that is your definition of pity...please seek God to soften your hardened heart.

Boring...

2011-09-19T10:51:00.001-04:00

Some of this is repost from my Family Blog. I actually meant to post my update here.

********

I’ve been a little MIA in blog land. I wish I had something exciting to report…

My life may be summed up with one word these days: Boring! (Although that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.) Since I last blogged I’ve survived American Literature, gone on a trip to Jamaica, and read Twilight. I know, I know…I think I am the last person on Earth to read that book, and actually I wasn’t very impressed. In my opinion it didn’t live up to the media hype, so I’m in no hurry to read the next book. I guess I just think vampires are dumb.

Moving on.

On Friday, I found out that I didn’t get a job that I had interviewed for back in June. I’m really discouraged with my career right now as I’ve reach a stagnant point within my company. I found this bible verse that I have taped to my computer now:

“When anxiety was GREAT within me,

Your CONSOLATION brought joy to my soul.”

(Psalm 94:19)

I am praying for contentment as I hold on a little longer to my current job. I’m unhappy and that makes it terribly hard to come in everyday. Long story short, although I have worked for my company for 13 years—it’s the only full time job I’ve ever had—and despite the fact that I have an Associates and Bachelor’s degree in Accounting…not to mention I am 6 classes away from my second Bachelor’s degree in Middle Grades Education, I am constantly told that I lack business experience. I just don’t get how I am supposed to obtain business experience if my company isn’t willing to let me grow. If anything, it reaffirmed my decision to return to school to teach (something that I know I will LOVE!). But, it doesn’t make it any easier to stay working there until I can move on to teaching.

On a more happier note…

Jamaica was amazing. My husband and I went on a trip for our 8^th anniversary. We really couldn’t afford to splurge but did anyway. Our lives are so full of chaos that we oftentimes neglect each other. We missed our boys terribly. It was really great to get away, but equally wonderful to get back to life as we know it.

I must apologize to those of you who read this blog. I really don’t have anything blog worthy to report in my absence. Thank you to those of you who have emailed me. It’s so nice to feel missed J

I intended to continue with my James Bible study over at my family blog soon. I’m finally finding some down time to ponder over the next segment. Ironically it’s “Listening and Doing” (and has so much about being slow to speak when angry)! Don’t you just love that we serve a Lord with a sense of humor. He doesn’t fail to teach me something new every day! Love That!

Elaine

Happenings...

2011-07-28T10:03:00.001-04:00

Nothing really exciting going on in our lives right now. I’m finishing up my summer semester for school, so I’ve been cramming in last minute assignments. I’m the worst procrastinator. I really hope that when I’m a teacher that I don’t forget what it’s like to be a student. Sometimes, life is so busy it’s hard to fit in everything. Also, I discovered that I’m not so much a fan of American Literature…hmm…who knew?

Moving On.

The only other exciting things going on are that Kohen finally started crawling. I only thought my life was busy before then. I’m constantly chasing him around the house now. If he isn’t trying to crawl up the stairs, he is putting dog food in his mouth. Yuck! He’s a very busy little man, I tell ya! I fully anticipate he’ll be walking by the time he’s 12 months old!

Kade is potty training. He’s 2 ½ so I figured it was time. Let me tell you, the best purchase I’ve made in a long time was a kitchen timer for $2.97. When the bell rings Kade proudly exclaims, “It’s time to go potty!” Bingo! (And sometimes I don’t think I know what I’m doing!)

Other than this, Kyle and I are patiently waiting until our vacation to Jamaica in less than 3 weeks. It’s extremely overdue for our hectic lives. It will be the first time we’ve left our boys for an extended length of time, so I’m somewhat sad about that. Shoot, I’m really sad about that! However, I know that going to school and having children has diverted our attention in other directions, so we’ve had little time to spend alone with each other. We need it. I’m really excited about quality time alone. We’ll be celebrating our 8^th anniversary in paradise :)

Hope you all are doing well!

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 5)

2011-07-21T21:13:00.001-04:00

The conclusion to the Faith and Endurance Series I'm hosting at my other blog, Killian Corner can be found here! Check it out!

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 4)

2011-07-19T22:17:00.000-04:00

New post here.

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 3)

2011-07-18T18:09:00.004-04:00

New post found here!

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 2)

2011-07-15T14:34:00.003-04:00

New post found here.

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 1)

2011-07-14T10:33:00.002-04:00

Here is my first post if you are interested in reading along or adding to the thoughts I have.

Bible Study: James the Just

2011-07-13T15:10:00.002-04:00

Hello Friends! I am hosting my first bible study over at Killian’s Corner. I was reading Revelations when the book of James caught my attention. So, for now Revelations is on hold. So, hop on over if you would like to join in!

Topics included in James (the biblical book), taken strait from the NLV Bible include:

Faith and Endurance

Listening and Doing

Warning against Prejudice, Judging Others, and Self Confidence

Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead

Controlling the Tongue

True Wisdom Comes from God

Drawing Closer to God

Warning to the Rich

Patience in Suffering

The Power of Prayer

Restoring the Wandering Believer

Happy Wednesday!

My Testimony (Part 5)

2011-07-10T16:37:00.007-04:00

Jan 4, 1998 I was involved in a terrible car accident. I don't really remember what exactly happened, but I've been told that I ran off of the road and overcorrected, hitting another vehicle. The one thing I hated most about myself--my petite size--saved my life. The space that was left between what was once the front fender and my drivers seat was literally just small enough for my small broken body to fit in. I had broken both of my legs, my lung had collapsed, and I had fractured my pelvis. I was airlifted to a trauma hospital where I spent several days in ICU and had undergone several surgeries. But,....I was alive. God's grace had abundantly blessed me once again. I was also taught a very important life lesson: I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalms 139:14)

Skipping forward to today, I have an incredible life. My husband, Kyle, loves me well above what I ever once considered "love" to be like. I know now, thanks to Kyle, how great love can be. A few weeks ago, I was reading court documents when I came across my old boyfriend's name. He had been charged with larceny. I shudder to think of what kind of life I would have today hadn't God intervened. When I went through the infertility stuff, I again lost sight of my body being "wonderfully made." I felt like a failure...and the Enemy wanted nothing more than me to feel that way as he tried again to fill my head and heart full of lies. There were times I bought in to his lies...there were times I stood steadfast on God's word. And God continued to give me mercy and grace to sustain the worst of circumstances.

I could continue on and on about my testimony, especially including bits and pieces of my infertility journey, but I will stop here. I'll just say this: I may not like who I am at times, but God has made me exactly as he intended to. I am saved. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am new. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and you can be too if you ask him into your heart. He will give you mercy and grace to sustain the worse of circumstances too.

My Testimony (Part 4)

2011-07-08T09:38:00.001-04:00

It was my fault he called. I reached out to his family—probably the best part of our relationship. I knew they were worried about me since I had tried to take my own life. And, they were the last part of the hold he had on me.

He told me all those same things…”he loved me…”; “he would change…”; blah, blah, blah…. And you would have thought I would have had the courage to say “No.” He had been dishonorably discharged from the Navy for who knows what…”but things would be different.”

“No, I’ve had enough.” And, I’d like nothing more than to be able to say that is so, but it wasn’t. I was vulnerable. I felt all alone in my new high school. I was having a really hard time making friends. I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I wasn’t making good grades or sleeping well at night. And, my family who had offered to do this favor to me by “taking me in” was exposing me to worse circumstances of partying and drugs. I knew I couldn’t stay there…but I had nowhere else to turn.

I’m ashamed to say that I called for a cab to take me back to the boyfriend…All I can say in my defense is, “Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself.” Part of my reason for returning was homesickness. I missed what were once my friends, my school, and the familiarity of what was once my life. Things were different for a few weeks. Slowly, they were returning to our “normal” and I could finally see what I once couldn’t: he would never make me happy of love me the way I deserved. (Think: “was blind, but now I see” from the hymnal Amazing Grace) I wasn’t even sure that what I felt for him was “love” at all. I could see the addiction side of our relationship, but love couldn’t possibly feel this bad. This was never going to work because he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed…and that was Jesus. I need Him more than the boyfriend…and this was probably the turning point in my life.

One day, I snapped out of the nightmare…enough was enough. (I often tell friends or loved ones who are struggling in their relationships that one day this feeling will come…) It was over. The good parts of us, the bad parts of us…they were over. I swallowed my big dosage of pride—as hard as it was—and I moved back home to my parents house. Like God, they welcomed me with open arms. We had plenty of mending of our relationship to do, but we agreed to pray our way through it and let God handle the rest…

Slowly, we fell back into a new normal. God was doing a work in my life that I couldn’t explain. I had a hunger for Him and to be better person—looking to Him for what I was lacking in the world. His grace had brought me to this turning point in my life and I had to choose…And I chose Him. I called up my parent’s pastor who immediately came to my home. He led me to the Lord in my parent’s living room. And, he gave me this bible verse to help “forgive myself” for some of the decisions I had made:

Isaiah 43:18

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

It was a direct commandment from the Lord to not remember my past. And, the preacher also gave me this verse which explained to me that I was “new.”

2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

A new me! Exactly what I needed. I couldn’t remember how to be the old me, and I didn’t want to be the most recent “former” me either. NEW. Forgiven. Redeemed. Happy.

The months brought new welcomed healing to my life and family. Then we were all caught off guard by a terrible accident…one that again (almost) took my life.

More to come.

My Testimony (Part 3)

2011-07-07T11:01:00.001-04:00

(Continuing from Part 1 and Part 2… Wow, I knew this would be lengthy, but I have no idea how many “parts” there will be…)

….”Elaine, I met this girl in FL and she’s pregnant.”

I had no idea what my boyfriend was saying to me. I was caught off guard. It stung. How could this be? He loved me. I “loved” him. He had proposed to me. We were getting married….

As much as those words hurt me, I never imagined what the next would do to me. He said, “I don’t love you anymore.” The one person that I had given up everything for…I was alienated from my friends and family who warned me of his ways…and that one person didn’t love me anymore?!?

I cried until it was impossible for me to make anymore tears. I begged. Pleaded. I still “loved” him, and I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t love me back. Have you ever seen the movie The Dairy of a Mad Black Woman? The wife leaves kicking and screaming… That was me. I felt I had nothing left…I had shamed my family and friends. I had no where else to go. I couldn’t possibly go back home to my parents house. Remember? I was completely convinced that they didn’t love me either for supporting my relationship. I was desperate…and hope was lost for me.

By this point the boyfriend had left to go back to FL. He left me crying and pleading for his love. I’m sure I looked crazy. He was an addiction I had for the past two years, and I couldn’t even remember my life before him (never mind without him). So, I attempted suicide by swallowing 24 Tylenol. I wanted to die—for something, anything, to take that pain away for me. I think I imagined that I would calmly drift off to sleep where I would die and wake up to the face of God. Instead I became so violently ill as my body was trying to save me from myself. Well, I say my body, but I firmly believe it was the hand of God.

I remember I found the strength from somewhere (or Someone) to crawl to the telephone. In my distraught I didn’t even think of calling 911 (crazy, huh?) I called one of my only friends who had stood by me…I told her what I had done and begged her to come and get me and take me to the hospital. I can remember it taking her 4 hours to finally come and pick me up, what would have been a 30 minute drive at most. But, thankfully, she did come, and I am forever indebted to her for that.

I spent a few days in the hospital for the overdose. I can remember having to drink something that smelled like sewer water to counteract the Tylenol. (THAT alone is reason enough to never do this!) I don’t know if you all know this or not, but Tylenol is damaging to your liver, and I had damaged about 30% of mine. Yet, doctors were very hopeful that I would recover.

I spent the next week in a psychiatric hospital learning healthier ways to cope with my depression and self-esteem issues, mending my family relationships, and learning to live again. It was a struggle and I dealt with new issues: Anger toward God for saving me from myself. The hurt I felt from that boyfriend was still there, and underneath it all was the “love” I had for him. I didn’t know who I was or how to be me again.

Please note, I don’t fault the boyfriend for this or point my finger at him in anyway. I take complete ownership of my actions. Although he mistreated me and had completely broken what was left of my heart and spirit—those are his faults—I had done this. Me. This was my fault.

Hoping things would be better and starting with a clean slate, I moved away from home in with an Aunt and Uncle who offered to take me in. My parents and I were not ready to co-exist. We, too, had some things to work through, but I was on overload already, so as important as my parents were, they had to be on the backburner for now.

Changing high schools in your Junior year is TERRIBLE. I was again swallowed up by the population of my school, and I didn’t know anyone. For the first time in my life, I was forced to rely on me…and it wasn’t very reliable…

Then the boyfriend found me…and he called. Again.

More to come.

(Thank you again to all of you have read this and/or sent words of encouragement for me to share my testimony. It is getting a little easier every day, although the hesitation is still present…)

My Testimony (Part 2)

2011-07-06T09:20:00.002-04:00

I had a moment yesterday after hitting “post” where I felt sick to my stomach. There was no going back now. If you read Part 1, thank you. I have chosen to break this up into several posts due to its length.

So…

I met this boy in high school. He was a senior; I was a freshman. It was at the end of the school year and I signed his yearbook. I wrote the random, “Congratulations on graduation! Keep in touch!” and left my phone number. I never imagined he would call me for any reason. I barely knew him, and he couldn’t be interested in me, anyway. Only—he did call. For the first time in a very long time, I felt noticed.

He did all of those sweet things to make a girl feel special: he wrote me sweet love letters and told me he loved me. By this time, I was spending so much time with him that I had alienated most of my friends. My parents had forbidden us to see each other (because they could obviously see something that I couldn’t). Yet, I found a way to see him. He was like an addiction to me. I couldn’t think of anyone else or anything besides the life he was promising me. He loved me, and if my parents loved me too, they would want me to be happy…

One day, my mother and I had a very heated argument. I decided the next day while my parents were working that I was moving out. And, I did. At the age of 16, I packed my car full of everything I could take, and I left home. My parents knew where I was and even came with a police officer once to bring me back home. However, because of the heated argument my mom and I had, social services/child welfare could not make me leave. I was trying to go to school, working part time, and living with my boyfriend and his family. I had made some very adult like decisions. I felt he was worth the sacrifice. He had given me an engagement ring to profess his love for me, after all.

As time went on, my boyfriend was slowly revealing himself. He had been unfaithful to me numerous times, and I was always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt to change. What was there left to lose? I had already given up my family and most of my friends. He decided to enlist in the Navy and was sent to boot-camp, then later being stationed in FL. All of this time, I was living with his family…”loving” him faithfully and counting down the days until I was 18 and could join him. I had our life all mapped out. (Anyone else ever do that?) “We would get married and live on the naval base. My parents would eventually come around after they saw how happy I was.”

As a few months passed by, we eventually moved into our own place. I was still in NC while he was in FL and the separation felt like he was on the other side of the moon. I “loved” him…

And he loved me so much he impregnated another girl in FL. I was in initial shock. I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt the deepest hurt and sadness beyond anything I had ever felt before. In that moment, I wanted to die.

More to come.

My Testimony (Part 1)

2011-07-05T10:52:00.001-04:00

I’ve been contemplating this post for quite some time. I’m not sure why I hesitate to “post” every time I start writing it. Perhaps it’s my fear of being judged by others who will know my imperfections. It’s never easy sharing one’s “dirty laundry” with the world…unless, of course, you are on F@cebook...Ha! Even then, it’s not something I choose to do. So, put up with with me while I muster up the courage to write this post.

Anyone out there have a testimony? I do, and it goes beyond my infertility woes although that later became a HUGE part of it. I’m walking, talking proof that God can take a big ol’ mess and turn it into a testimony. I aspire to be proof that in the heartache you feel whatever your circumstances may be that you can encourage someone else and use that heartache for the greater good. I don’t know why He loved me enough to save me time and time again from tragedy? I don’t know why He finally answered my prayers to have children. I can’t wrap my head around the love He has for me when I deserve none of His time and attention. After all, that is what He was getting from me: none of my time or attention. I’ve only shared this story twice before. Can you tell I’m babbling?

The first time I gave my testimony was to the youth at our church several years ago—who I desperately wanted to speak to. I wanted God to use me and my life to prevent those kids from repeating some of the mistakes that I did. I can recall standing at the podium and my voice was shaking (as it often does when I am nervous). Thankfully, I had typed out my testimony so I was able to just stand up and read it to the youth who were staring at me. I’m not sure they “got” what I was trying to say to them; maybe they did, maybe that didn’t. Kyle was sitting in the audience and I was mostly nervous of what he would think of me. These specific parts of my past life which I was disclosing (to what felt like the world) even he hadn’t heard me speak of.

The second time I gave my testimony it was over email. I went out on a limb and sent it to a young girl who was traveling down the same road as I had once walked. A hard, curvy, breaking road—and I wanted to save her from making the same potential mistakes I had made, to spare her any heartache she would later cast on her family or self. I’m not sure it was very effective either. And I have no idea, even now, if posting it here on the web will truly matter.

So here goes…

My life was virtually perfect…until I went to high school. At that time I felt as though I had been swallowed up. I was invisible. Like many other kids my age, I felt inadequate. I was extremely skinny and often teased for my “lack” of development elsewhere. I can recall people calling me names like “Skinny Minnie” and “Stringbean.” Those seem harmless, right? Those were the names which began my bouts with depression and low self esteem.

The first boy who noticed me turned my life completely upside down. My parents didn’t support my relationship which only made me more rebellious. (Is anyone else out there who think they knew more than their parents at 16?!?) He often told me how much he loved me which made me feel special. But he also told me how much my parents must NOT love me because they wouldn’t allow us to be together…eventually, I believed him. My parents couldn’t possibly love me…

More to come.

Notes from the past...

2011-07-02T18:02:00.002-04:00

Anyone out there notetakers???? [...as I wave my hand frantically]. I often think it's why I have been such a successful student all of these years. I firmly believe if you pay attention in class, you can skim read most subjects and get what you need to know...

Anyway, I also take notes at church. In case I haven't told you all, I looooooove my church. We are blessed to have two very gifted "teacher" preachers who preach truth. As I was going through some of my past notes, I asked myself, "Why not share them with the world?!?" If you want to check them out, then jump over here and become a follower of Killian Corner. I'm working on my first post now. I also am studying the book of Revelations and will be sharing some things on that as well.

I hope you all are having a wonderful 4th of July! God Bless the men and women who have served--past, present, and future--so that I can celebrate independence with my family.

COURAGEOUS Movie Trailer

2011-06-29T20:22:00.002-04:00

The Healing will Come...

2011-06-22T20:57:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've had time to write anything Infertility related. So, this post has been swimming around in my head for quite sometime....

When I had my first miscarriage back in December 2004, I seriously didn't think the heartache would ever leave me. I was devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken. It had taken Kyle and I over a year to get pregnant, so when we were, I wanted to shout it for everyone to hear. And, I did. It was Christmas--the happiest time of the year-- and I was happy for that moment.

When I went to the ER because I was having some issues, I was in initial shock (I think). I mean, miscarriages happen. I'd heard they did. But, they didn't happen to me. I felt so embarrassed to tell all the people who I'd told days earlier that I loss the baby. I felt robbed of the joy I'd been given. The time hadn't be enough for me. I felt like a failure as a woman, but more importantly, a failure as a wife.

I sit back now and even as I watch my two boys playing, I feel this pain that can be so fresh. I wonder all the "what if's..." that we (as women do) to make ourselves feel even worse. What if I'd stop drinking Pepsi... What if I hadn't lifted the heavy groceries...what if...what if...what if.

Now I wonder what would this child look like? Would he/she resemble Kade or Kohen. Would he/she have dark hair and eyes like their daddy? Even as a mom, I still wonder...I wonder what my family would have looked like if I had sustained this pregnancy...or the next one, which I also loss to miscarriage....

Many of my readers have felt this loss recently, and quite frankly, I can't justly describe with words what it really feels like. But I can tell you on this side of the pain, that you will find healing...it will come. Take the time that you need to grieve. This IS/WAS an important loss no matter who makes you feel otherwise. It is a hard loss...a precious life you were given even if for only a moment. You are forever changed by this experience...but don't let it make you give up.

Your desire to have children WILL be greater than any reservations you feel about pending miscarriage. The truth is: If it's going to happen, it will. You can't stop it...no matter how hard you try or how often you beat yourself up over the what if's... turn your sorrow into something positive...hold your friend's hand who is also having one. Reach out to someone else who is struggling with fertility. We--women--are a strong, valuable resource to each other. If any good can come from sorrow, then your suffering was not in vain.

Love and prayers to you all! XO!

Weekend Recap

2011-06-12T22:16:00.003-04:00

It's seriously Monday already. Where did the weekend go? I think I'm gradually snapping out of this funk which has kept me down the past few weeks. I actually went on a short weekend trip with my family...camping. I. Am. Not. A. Camper. I told Kyle the entire time I was there, "I'm cold."..."Ugh!!! The bugs!" "The smoke makes my clothes smell." I'm pretty sure he won't be asking me to go again! Ha!

Actually, it isn't the camping that gets to me. It's any weekend trip. They are so much work for a short time. It's just not worth it to me. I'd rather take fewer longer trips than many short ones. Not to mention, I packed for everyone...except me. Literally. I forgot clothes to sleep in. I only packed 1 shirt and 2 pairs of shorts. I had to borrow one of Kyle's shirts to wear home today--because he had 4!!!!

I think I need a really long vacation. We took Kade to play at a park near our campsite, and when I glanced down I noticed I had on 2 different flip flops. I may be losing my mind...Ha! You've also heard me make mention of postponing my teacher certification. I still have plans to postpone that; however, last week I bid on a promotion at my current employer. I had 4 interviews on Thursday, and my final interview is tomorrow. I was 1 of 5 candidates who were being interviewed, so I would appreciate your prayers. If I don't get it, life will go on. I do feel as if change is imminent for me in the near future. I love my coworkers and supervisor, but my heart is not in my job any longer. I need change. Quickly!

I hope you all are having a restful weekend. We have VBS at church this week, so look for pictures throughout the week!

Part 2

2011-06-09T21:18:00.003-04:00

This has been a terrible week. I'm seriously beginning to question what on Earth is going on in this crazy world we live in. Does anyone feel as if the end of the world is near? Did you all miss the predicted rapture as I did?

Ugh.

Funk continues.

Last week, tragically....one of my friend's nephews died. His dad put together a set of bunk beds for him. When they got up the next morning, they found him dead. He was 2. Same age as Kade. He hung himself--no one knows how. Just a freak accident. My heartaches for his family. I can't imagine what they are going through. So very sad. Please add them to your prayer list.

Earlier this week, one of my coworker's died. I never met him "formally," but had seen him a hundred million times in passing. Never once did I say "hi." Never once did I share Jesus with him. I just went on my way. He was crushed to death in another freak accident when a truck backed into him as he was at a loading dock door. (I work for a big food distributor in the South East.) He leaves behind a wife of 30 years and two children. Please pray for his family too. Also, the driver who hit him. I don't know how I could accept that I caused someone else's death even if I wasn't at fault--as he was not.

Zahra Baker. The child who stole the hearts of the entire world. She was from where I live. Literally. I have to drive pass the Baker's last place of residency every single day. I see her picture and wonder how in the world anyone---ANYONE could harm such a sweet, innocent child. I can't wrap my head around how such terrible things could have happened to her. How many times did people turn a blind eye to her circumstances? She was clearly living in her own personal Hell on Earth, and it truly breaks every ounce of my soul--down to my very being.

What is happening to this world? Where did so many things go wrong?

Jesus, come quickly~ We need you desperately!

I'm in a funk...

2011-05-20T18:06:00.004-04:00

I'm in a funk. My blog has been pretty much non-existent lately. I can't snap out of it. I can't talk about it. I can't even process it.

I've been dealing with a lot. I determined I'm not going to get to graduate with my friends. I still need nine classes to finish my Middle Grades Education degree. One of those classes is student teaching for an entire semester which would ensue my quitting my job. The economy is terrible. In NC, teachers are being laid off by the hundreds...thousands in the bigger metropolitan areas. I feel as if I have completely wasted the last three years of my life. I can't justify quitting a job I have now in order to work for free (student teaching) and not get a job because schools are on a hiring freeze. I have a family which I am half-responsible for supporting. I'm not a risk taker. I play it "safe." But I am completely heart broken that I won't be finishing school in 2012 as planned. I may not get to transition into a teaching position for quite some time. It bites.

There is still some animosity within our family. Mother's Day was completely stressful as it was the first gathering since our fall out, and it wasn't my ideal way to spend it. I'm angry still. To remain as "private" as I can on a public blog, I'll just say that after the confrontation, I expected change. And, we haven't gotten it. At all. So, it's fair to say I am even more angry now than before. This bites too.

Other areas in my life are going great. My boys are growing too quickly. Kohen gets his six month well visit this week. We also are having our first family portraits made for our church directory. I started an online class this week for American Literature. I know, I just said I wasted the last three years of my life, and I DO somewhat feel that way. But, I have to finish now that I have invested so much time and energy into this degree. Our finances have suffered and my family have made sacrifices to see me fulfill this dream. I can't let all of that be in vein by not finishing.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Nothing really blog worthy to post at the moment.

Tell Me Thursday: 10 Things I didn't know about IVF until It was Too Late

2011-05-05T21:11:00.007-04:00

Hello Ladies! I received my next issue of Stepping Stones newsletter today! I always grab it and head to my reading nook to read-ever-single article in one sitting. Seriously--its THAT good. But perhaps more importantly, it's FREE :) Here is one of the articles in todays issue. I figured even though it specifically refers to IVF, some of you may skip on reading it! Please wait! Stick around for a minute; you will be blessed.
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Ten Things I Didn't Know About IVF Until It was Too Late

by Angela Mackey BSN, RN

1. Artificial hormones are harder on my body than my regular ones. More nausea, more pregnancy-like symptoms do not necessarily mean you are pregnant. So I had to learn to hop in God not my body: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." [Isaiah 40:31]

2. Getting pregnant did not bring joy. Getting pregnant brought more anxiety about whether I would miscarry and how much longer I had to take shots. I had to find my joy in God alone. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." [Nehemiah 8:10]

3. Artificially stimulated ovaries HURT. My physical pain echoed my emotional spiritual pain. I struggled that getting pregnant should be natural, but for me it was not. I learned to trust God, even though His "...thoughts are not [my] thoughts, neither are [my] ways [His] ways. As the heavens are highter than the earth, so are [His] ways higher than [my] ways and [His] thoughts than [my] thoughts." [Isiah 55:8-9]

4. Loss, loss, and more loss. W amount of eggs did not equal W amount of fertilized eggs. X amount of fertilized eggs did not equal X amount of embryos. Y amount of embryos did not equal Y amount of mature embryos able to be transferred. Z amount of embryos mature enough to transfer did not equal Z amount of pregnancies or babies to hold in your arms. Loss is inevitable, and it is difficult. I had to learn to give our (my husband and mine) embryos to God and trust Him to keep His promise for all of us. "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." [Jeremiah 29:11]

5. Artificial hormones take being hormonal to new lows. I had never expereinced true mood swings until IVF. Tears one moment, laughter the next. I had to remind myself that my heart and emotions often try to tell my brain lies. "the heart is deceitful about all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it." [Jeremiah 17:9} So I had to learn the less of 2 Corinthians 10:5, "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I had to tell my emotions the truth from God's word.

6. Part of my heart was in the freezer for four years. God is clear in His word that He loves the unborn. Psalm 139 tells us how He knits babies together. Since life occurs at conception, I had babies in a freezer two and a half hours away from my home for four years. The day I brought home our final embryos I was giddy. A weight was lifted. I mourned the babies I never held in my arms, but at least I got to hold them all in my womb. Jeremiah 1:5 helped me rest in God during those difficult times. It says, "Before I formed you in the womb [or petri dish] I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God had a plan for those precious babies. I was able to be a part of that. I do not understand it all, but I learned to trust in His plans.

7. Telling others was a double-edged sword. IVF is a mystery to most people. When you mention it there are many details people want to know and understand. In order to explain, you must share difficult stories. Then if the cycle is unsuccessful, you have to tell everyone you are not pregnant. However there is also a group of people praying you through each steop of the way. They encourage you, sometimes while placing their feet in their mouths, but being held up in prayer is worth the pain. James 5:126 says "...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective."

8. There was grief in the excitement and possibility. I was excited about the possibilities that IVF offered. I may get pregnant! However, I grieved the loss of getting pregnant the easy way. I learned that often grief and joy go hand-in-hand. That isn't a new concept. Hebrews 12:2-3 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Jesus for the joy before him endured the cross and He did it so that I won't grow weary! Jesus knew the grief and pain but willingly went to the cross for the joy. If Jesus did it for me, then I can do it for the possibility of having children.

9. Loneliness is a lie. The stark statisitics are that 1 in 6 couples experience inferitiliy. The most recent statistic from the CDC say that 7.3 million women in the US alone went to their health care providers about infertility issuess. Not all of them used IVF, but we are NOT ALONE. It is possible that eh woman with three children in your church used IVF. Maybe that sweet couple is longing for kids and has failed multiple IVF attempts. Satan will try to make you feel isolated, alone. We have to remember, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." [Deuteronomy 31:8]

10. IVF changed me forever. I always thought IVF would be a tool to get me more children and then be discarded. I would leave it in my past and continue life as if IVF had never enetered it. Instead, I have discovered that I am forever changed. I am not the same woman I was before IVF, I am better, I am different, I am more compassionate. God used this experience to teach me to say no to myself, my desires, my plans, and say yes to Him, His desires, His plans. Much like Jesus in the garden prayed, "...not my will, but yours be done." I learned to say no to myself and yes to Him regarless of the price.

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Reprinted by permission from Stepping Stones, a newsletter for infertile
couples published by Bethany Christian Services. For more information
go to www.ssministry.net.
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If you have been blessed by this message, I hope you will consider looking into Bethany Christian Services and supporting them with your prayers and/or donations. If you are interesed in receiving the Stepping Stones newsletter, please email stepasst@bethany.org or call (616) 224-7488

They also have a bookstore (www.bethany.org/stepstore) which will contain Christian resources for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can even access a selection of past Stepping Stones artilces by visiting the website http://www.ssministry.net/

I was not prompted to write this promotion for the website. It's just something I felt led to share. It was one of the resources I found to be most helpful while I walked through infertility.

Is anyone out there?!?

2011-05-03T21:41:00.003-04:00

Hello Friends! After a short...okay, long...period of time away, I'm back to blogging. I had a terribly busy semester for school which included me writing two instructional design plans (IDP for short if any of you saw me complaining via F@cebook). It's basically a 10 day unit of class material. For my Language Arts unit, I chose to complete an IDP on "Drivers Ed" by Caroline Cooney. Are any of you familiar with that title? It's a Young Adolescent Literature novel where a group of kids decide to steal a stop sign as a celebratory festivities of passing Drivers Ed. In the novel, a young mother gets killed when she is involved in an automobile accident.

Until I was working on this novel, I had no idea that something like this really happened. It probably has happened on several occasions, however the instance I am referring was the first notable case. Three 18 year olds who were driving home from a night of bowling were killed when other teenagers stole a stop sign. The offenders each received 15 years in prison for manslaughter. Crazy, huh? The entire topic of my unit dealt with adult-like themes such as responsibility, honesty, guilt... These are things often forsaken in our classrooms. It doesn't make them any less important, though, does it?

Anywho, that's what I've been up to. It's been a long bumpy ride and I am ready for some down time with my family, friends, and blogger family. I hope to be posting much more frequently in the days ahead. I also have some unfinished business to attend to (...uh-um...like finishing a book review I committed to).

I've spent the last hour or so catching up on all of you! Please know that if I have failed to comment, it isn't because I don't care about you or what you are going through. I have been praying none-the-less. I'm heading to bed now. Please say a quick prayer for my Sweet Kohen. He feels quite rotten today. I took him to the doctor earlier, and I was told "Well, he has fluid on both eardrums, and he has a really bad cold/cough." No crap! But I wasn't given any meds to make him feel better. So, I'm playing the up/down game at night time to check on him. I'm exhausted.

Please continue to pray for my friend, Kara. Unfortunately, the last time I blogged I coveted your prayers for the complications in her pregnancy. I'm deeply saddened to report her little angle has gone to Heaven. I have loss two babies to miscarriage, so I know first head her heartache--many of you know it as well. Please pray her her peace and comfort in the upcoming week.

What I'm reading...

2011-04-09T20:06:00.005-04:00

Hello yall. I have a second to breathe, so I wanted to post a quick update.

First, please hop over and visit my friend Kara! She recently found out she is expecting, but she is having some early complications. She could really use our encouragement, but more-so, our prayers.

Secondly, I found a really cool blog recently, and she has quickly became one of my favorites! Go visit Heather. She is mom who wants to instill solid Christian values in the lives of her daughters. She is posting really cute crafts/projects for parents to do with their kids. Today, she is hosting a carasel for Sharing Values. It's a place to brainstorm all of our ideas for sharing Christian values with our children. It's certainly a post for all of us who strive every day to be a better parents. Check her out!

My friend Joannah is 35 weeks pregnant! She was one of the first bloggy friends I made in my journey to become a mom. I know this is such a bitter-sweet moment for her. She loss her husband to kidney cancer just over a year ago. After his passing, she wrestled with the decision to pursue IVF. It's something they started together. I'm so thankful she went against popular opinion and did. It heartwarming to have followed her journey. She's such a sweet person; she's going to be the best Mommy!

My friend Tiffany is pursuing IVF! She's posted some questions for you IVF'rs. She and her husband have been trying for 5 years to have their first child. So scoot on over and give her your encouragement and prayers too!

And, O!M!Gsh! You have to read this post from Ashley! It is infuriating what PETA is doing in honor of National Infertility Awareness Month! Please jump over and sign the petition and/or send them an email if you feel so inclined to do! I am just fuming. It's going to tick you off, if you are an IF'r. You are forewarned. They have within the last 24hrs removed the wording "in honor of National Infertility Awareness," but seriously...? The damage has been done.

And I am just now getting around to following up on this book blog I posted. I haven't had a chance to read since the Introduction, but things should calm down for me this week. Soon! I know you all are on the edge of your seats :)

Book Give Away!

2011-04-07T21:59:00.006-04:00

Hope on over to my friend Glenna's blog! She is giving a way a copy of the book, Adopted for Life! It's sounds so amazing! Check it out!

Whoa...Where have I been?

2011-03-31T21:53:00.007-04:00

Wow!?! Has it really been a week since I last posted? Things are so crazy for me right now. The semester is ending in 4 weeks, so it's crunch time to tie up loose ends. And, can you believe another month has came and gone? What happened to March? And February? And January, for that matter? Can you believe Christmas is only 9 months away? Here is a random update on how things are going in our neck of the woods:

I have fallen off the wagon pretty much for doing my stairs for Lent! Everything was going so well, but then I missed a day. Which turned into another day...then another. Next thing I know, here it's Friday (almost) and I haven't done stairs all week.

It's been really cold and rainy this week. I'm so ready for summer.

My sweet nephew, Josef, celebrated a birthday this past week!

I had dinner with some of my favorite future teachers last week. These are some of the classmates I have grown so close to over the past three years! I don't know what I'll do when I don't get to see these girls once-twice a week when we graduate.

Bobbie, Kim, Me

For the past three nights, we've made Kade cry it out in his crib. This part of parenting stinks! Someone should have warned me how hard it would be to hear him sobbing between his "Ma-Maaaaaaaaaaaa's."

We also took Kade roller skating! He loved it. At one point, I glanced over and saw this

Uncle Shawn, Kade, Kenleigh

Kohen is almost 5 months old. He has a cow-lick which makes me call him Alfalfa. You can barely see it in the picture.

Still getting the silent treatment from some family members. It's been a month and a half now.

Life goes on.

That's our life pretty much in a nutshell! I hope you all are having a fantastic week!

Week of answered prayers!

2011-03-23T14:52:00.006-04:00

Hey Y'all! I hope you are having a blessed week! I am dragging my heels today at work. I probably look something similar to this:

Last night, I stayed up way too late watching my favorite basketball team LOSE!!!! UGH! If you listened closely, you could probably have heard Kyle screaming at the TV last night. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Regardless of our loss, thanks Duke for a great season! We will be pulling for any team BUT the Carolina Tarheels for the rest of the NCAA tournament! Few people understand the UNC and Duke rivalry. If you live in the south, you know it's called the Battle of the Blues! You can't be a diehard fan for one, and pull for the other when your team is out of the tournament. It's against the rules. So, despite our loss, we bleed Duke Blue in the Killian household.

Otherwise, the rest of our week has been very exciting! I've had three very special prayers answered this week.

My sweet friends Kara, Katy, and Ashley all found out they were expecting this week! I've been praying for all of them for quite sometime. It's very exciting! The Lord is still working miracles every day! Keep the faith Ladies!

Book Teaser...

2011-03-22T09:20:00.002-04:00

I have my first book to review! I am so excited to read it... Here you will find a little teaser from the pages I read last night:

"Often we feel life is unfair. Hard times and tough circumstances can trigger self-doubt and despair. I understand that well. But the Bible says, 'Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of any kinds." That is the lesson I struggled many years to learn. I eventually figured it out, and through my experiences I can help you see that most of the hardships we face provide us with opportunities to discover who we are meant to be and what we can share of our gifts to benefit others."

"...my 'burden' could also be a blessing, offering me unique opportunities for reaching out to others, empathizing with them, understanding their pain, and offering them comfort...neither my faith nor my sense of purpose grew strong until I went through some very scary times."

"...I despaired over my circumstances , feeling that I would never be 'normal.'...My heart ached. I was depressed, overwhelmed with negative thoughts and didn't see any point in my life. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by family and friends."

"If you have the desire and passion to do something, and it's within God's will, you will achieve it."

"You may hit hard times. You may fall down and feel as though you don't have the strength to get back up. I know the feeling...we all do. Life isn't always easy, but when we overcome challenges, we become stronger and more grateful for our opportunities. What really matters are the lives you touch along the way and how you finish your journey."

And all of these excerpts are from the Introduction!!!!!! I cannot wait to devour this book page for page! Full review and title coming soon!

SSMT #6

2011-03-21T11:59:00.007-04:00

I am really late posting my 6th verse for the SSMT 2011. It's taken me some time to pick out a good, appropriate verse. But, alas, I found the perfect one--or two! There's nothing like God revealing Himself in his Word, is there? Especially when you seek Him for guidance and direction. So, he showed Himself to me in two verse's this week...so why not meditate on 2, yes? The more I learn, the better!

First:

"Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do."

(Ephesians 5:17, NLV)

Second:

"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV)

Here are the other verses I have memorized:

SSMT #5
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

SSMT #4
"Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23 NIV)

SSMT #3
"Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7 NIV)

SSMT #2
"Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything your land produces." (Proverbs 3:9 NIV)

SSMT #1
"Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed." (Joshua 1:8 NIV)

Winner, Winner!

2011-03-21T08:18:00.005-04:00

Sorry for the delayed post! We've had a really busy weekend! I know that some of you have been patiently waiting on the edge of your seat, right??? ;)

Congratulations Kara!!!! Send me a quick email with your address and I'll get the $25 Visa giftcard sent out to you this week! And, since she has already made her big announcement, please go over and congratulate her on her positive pregnancy test :) So exctied for her!

Tell me Thursday: Thankful week

2011-03-17T10:25:00.004-04:00

This has been a week for bullet points:

I just finished reading By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters. I posted a review on my other blog here. If you like to read, check it out. It was really good, but more importantly, it was "real." It's a young adult literature novel, and let me just interject here...my, oh my, how books have changed since I was a kid. I read YAL novels because I am going to school to become a middle grades teacher, and I want to be knowledgeable about what books my students will be reading and which books I can recommend.
I have a mid-term tonight at school which I am in no way, shape, or form ready for. I have been the epiphany of the procrastinator student this semester. I'd really appreciate your prayers for me to do my best, and that will be good enough for me.
Still having some family drama. We are currently getting the silent treatment from members of our family. I wish I could say I don't care, but if I'm honest, I care a lot. Maybe too much. Time heals all wounds right?
New Life Lesson Learned: If I would have know then, what I know now I probably wouldn't have "opened the can of worms" with said Family. Nothing has changed. Nothing good has been gained. Although everything we said (both parties) were true, I don't know now that it was worth it.
My Sweet Kade has pee-peed in the potty 4 times today! My mom is the best! She keeps my boys during the day, and she works so hard with them. I'm so glad they are in her care and are smothered with hugs and kisses all day long.
My Sweet Kade won't sleep in his big boy bed. He wants to snuggle with Mommy, which I am loving a little too much. Daddy, not so much. I think he is scared of the dark :(
My Sweet Kohen is teething! I anticipate he will have one come through soon.
My Sweet Kohen also had his 4 month well visit this week. He had to get shots. I've never quite seen the shade of red his face turned before. He was so friendly and flirting with his nurses before the shots. I'm pretty sure he broke up with her after that.
My husband is the best. Have I told you that lately? He is. I use to want to win the lottery. But now, I look around at my husband, our boys, and the life that we share, and I realize I already have.

What are you thankful for? Tell me...It's one of the last days to enter to win a $25 visa giftcard. Go to this post to enter now! By the way, I filled up completely my car with gas this week, and it cost $62.25! Ouch!

Thoughts to ponder...

2011-03-15T09:25:00.005-04:00

Some of the things I hated during our journey...

One of my friends told me she was once told by her mother-in-law to watch me while I interacted with my friend's son, H. She, the mother-in-law, said there were statistics that would show people who suffer from miscarriages "sometimes" hurt children. I have no idea why my friend felt the need to share this conversation with me unless it was to prove how closed minded her mother-in-law was at this time. I hated how someone could even suggest such an idea about me. And, newsflash...for every 1 case you can show me of where a woman who has had miscarriages and has hurt a child, I can also show you a grandparent who has.
No one understood what was happening to me. I was uncontrollably spiraling downward, and I didn't have anyone in my real life who understood. I didn't even understand. I couldn't make sense of why God had chosen this path for me to walk. He couldn't possibly think I was physically or emotionally stable enough to handle it. When I did, I hated how I was wrong.
I hated working. I hated being forced to get out of bed every day and face the reality that was my life. I hated working for a big company because there was always someone who was pregnant. I hated how uncomfortable I felt. I hated the jealousy that fostered in my heart. I hated the pity that my co-workers had for me.
Not proud of this next one, but I am keeping it real. I hated God. I hated church. I hated praying. I hated anything that pointed towards that God ways were better than my ways. I hated I had no control and all control was His. I hated anything spiritual which could have helped alleviate some of the pain I felt. I hated waiting on Him to answer my prayers.

Some of the things I loved during our journey...

I loved how I learned some really important life lessons. I learned how to let people's inconsiderate comments roll off my back. I learned that if you haven't walked in my shoe's you were completely oblivious to the hell I was living. I learned that if you hadn't "been there" it wasn't fair for me to blame you for your ignorance. That was once me.
I loved how I learned having a baby doesn't make you family. I am quite certain Kyle and I can get through anything now. I know, no matter what, he will be standing right by my side, and I by his. I loved how we found a way to hold on to our love and commitment of "for better or for worse." I loved he loved me enough to stay.
I loved how even though I was bitter and angry with God, He still walked beside of me giving me the strength I needed to sustain the circumstances. I loved even when I didn't want to worship Him, He still loved me. I loved the way He understood the hurt and the heartache I felt and how He was using our experience to draw me closer to Him. I am closer to Him.
I love how I look at my kids with grateful eyes and an overflowing heart. I don't think I am a better mom than someone who hasn't walked through infertility, but I do feel as though I have an appreciation that can only be gained by struggle. I love how God saved these two sweet, handsome, funny, perfect boys for me when He could have given me different children. I can't imagine my life with any other children but these. His ways are better than mine.
I love how medical intervention can be wrong. I love how God pointed out to me that He is in control. Where doctors told me it wouldn't happen, He swooped in and said, "Oh yes it can..."
I love my journey to parenthood. The pain, the sorrow, the tears, the prayers, and ultimately the triumph. I loved that my desire for children was greater than my fear...and I love God for choosing me to walk through this path.

It's the last few days to enter this gi*veaway. Go here to read more. Do you want to be listed under my Support Circle page? It's been updated already with new names.

Lastly, please go visit Kellie & James on the Support Circle page. They are learning to live again after the loss of a child. Their little girl, Maddie, died three weeks ago unexpectedly to SIDS. She was only 4 months old, the same age as Kohen. She needs our prayers and support.

Lots of good stuff going on...

2011-03-11T19:25:00.012-05:00

We had an important week of events to occur in the Killian household this week.

My Sweet Kade....pee-peed in the potty for the first time.

He also learned to share with his brother.

And my Sweet Kohen...

rolled over from his back to his stomach.

He also declared his thoughts on the UNC/Miami game from Friday.

Life is good in the Killian house!

Happy Friday: Filler' (almost Half Way) Up On Me!

2011-03-11T10:28:00.004-05:00

First of all, have you checked out this post? If not, please do so. I'd love to have you listed under my Support Circle and list any Bible verse that were helpful to you.

Ugh!!!! Gas prices are killing me...what about y'all? Seriously, I have yet to fill up my car completely. Once the pump hits $50, I stop it...it's just too painful to watch!

So, I decided since my last gi*veaway was so much fun, why not have another one?

Here you go... I have purchased a $25 visa gift card to provide you some relief at the gas pumps (or whatever else you need it for).

Requriement to enter:

You must be a follower of this blog =) Not a follower yet? It's so easy! Look over to the right where you see the link "Follow" click on it, and it will take you about 15 seconds to become one. If you have trouble, please email me. I'll help you become one. When you are a follower, leave me a comment answering the following statement:

Gas prices make me wanna.... = 1 entry

Want a chance to earn even more additional entries? These blogs can be found -----------> over here listed under My Other Blogs:

Become a follower of the Killian Corner. When you do (or if you already are) let me know in a comment = 1 entry

Become a follower of Between the Covers Book Nook. When you do (or if you already are) let me know in a comment = 1 entry

And, just for fun, I'll give you one more way to enter:

Blog about and link to this gi*veaway. Come back and leave me a comment telling me so. = 1 entry

There are 4 ways to enter. Pick as many or as few as you like. No comment, No entry. And I will again use a random comment generator to pick the winner, so don't sell yourself short by completing 1-4 in a single comment.

This contest will be open to US residents only, and will run until Friday, March 18, 2011 at midnight. I will draw a winner on Saturday, March 19th!

And it has to be said: I really hope this gi*veaway isn't "google"-able. (Is that a word?) I really want one of my loyal, dedicated readers to win--enough so that I pulled out my own funds for this prize. I won't make assumptions on the last prize I hosted. I'll just say my Feedjit told on some of you who googled "csn gi*veaway"...haha!

Please be creative! I'd love for us all to get a little giggle out of this. I actually heard it on a local radio station and it was pretty funny! This is to make not so pleasant situation be a little more tolerable!

I'll go first...Gas prices make me wanna walk! =) And that's bad! Yall know how much I hate exercising!

Good Luck!

Tell me Thursday: Support Circle & Bible Verses

2011-03-10T09:16:00.005-05:00

Hey Y'all! Hope this week has been treating you well! In NC, I think I need to build an ark. It's been raining for 24 hours now (on top of all the rain we had last weekend). It makes the day gloomy, but we'll survive.

I have been adding some pages to my blog (as you can see by the tabs above). This is currently a work in progress that I hope to complete in a few days. The tabs I am concentrating on right now are Support Circle and Bible Verses. Take a minute to check them out. I've linked to some of the blogs I've been following for quite some time. If you don't see your name, and would like to be listed, please leave a comment telling me so. Let me know where your link belongs, even if you don't see a header for it at this time. I've also listed some bible verses which have helped me throughout life. If you have a verse that has brought you comfort and would like to see it added, please tell me in a comment below.

Also, are you a follower of this blog? If not, I would love to have you be one.

Happy Thursday! New Gi*veaway to be posted this weekend :)

Lent 2011

2011-03-09T08:21:00.005-05:00

I have never really participated in Lent, or if I have, I don't recall it. This year, I've felt a tugging from Someone to do it. I've been considering for weeks on what I could give up that would "hurt"--or really notice--to remind me to go to God and give thanks for the blessings in my life which he has poured upon me too generously. My first thoughts were caffeine, but I've given up caffeine before, so it wasn't all too difficult to do.

What would really hurt?

Sigh.

Exercise.

I'm not an exercise sort of person. It's not my idea of fun--at all. I just don't enjoy it. I wish I did, but I don't. My attitude is pretty much summed up in this cartoon.

So, yesterday I convinced myself that while on break at work I would do 4 sets of stairs. Not four flights of stairs, four sets of FOUR FLIGHTS of stairs. That's sixteen flights of stairs for you math whizzes out there. Why stairs? Well, the weather in NC is so odd these days. I didn't want the ability to use "weather" as an excuse to quit. I also feel that stairs involve more physical stamina than walking--my calves are so sore today!! They couldn't possibly be this sore from walking.

Now some of you, I realize, are probably thinking, "Well, that's so easy...blah, blah, blah." Holy moly! I almost died. Twice. I think I heard angles singing at one point. I was breathing so heavily on my second set that I decided to stop at 8 flights on shear fear that I would pass out. Maybe by the end of Lent I'll be able to do the 3rd and 4th sets.

The entire time I had to push myself. I prayed to God and thanked Him for the blessings he has placed in my life. I prayed for guidance and direction. I prayed for you, my sweet friends. I prayed for family and good health. I prayed for my friends. I prayed for God to make me godly. Every step was so hard for me...each next step, a little harder than the prior step.

Ironically it reminded me so much of my journey to parenthood. It started out easy...then it got a little harder...a little more hard...a lot more hard. When I was finished I felt so relieved and fulfilled. It's almost hard to put into words. It was a "me and God" moment that I will cherish where He put some things in perspective for me.

I will press on, one step at a time.

Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!

2011-03-08T08:39:00.003-05:00

The winner of the $20 promotional code to csn.com is comment # 8 Beth!

If you didn't win, don't be sad. I have a new surprise up my sleeves for later this week.

Thank you to those of you who entered. This was fun =) Congratulations Beth!

Last chance to enter

2011-03-07T10:46:00.002-05:00

Today is your last chance to enter my CSN.com giveaway. Tomorrow I will be selecting a winner with a random comment generator. Go here for more details.

Good Luck! :)

Tell Me Thursday: Stepping Stones Ministry

2011-03-03T09:07:00.010-05:00

I wanted to take a moment to tell you today about one of my favorite resources who offer Christian Support for Couples facing Infertility or Pregnancy Loss. It's Stepping Stones by Bethany Christian Services. If you've never heard of them stick around for a minute. I'm sure you will be blessed.

I received my latest issue yesterday from Stepping Stones. One of the articles was so encouraging that I wanted to share it with you guys:

The Last Words I Expected

by Robin Blonsky

"I'm pregnant."

Those were the last words I ever expected to hear from my sister.

We were sitting in my car after work one day, and she dropped this bombshell on me. Between sobs, she said, "I wanted it to be you." I knew she wanted me to be the one. I was so completely taken aback at this news that I didn't know what to say. I laughed, I cried, and we hugged.

I was relieved that the health concerns that led to this revelation were not more serious than a "bun in the oven," yet I was shocked, completely blindsided, by the news.

A few days later, the reality of it all settled in.

Driving home from work, as thoughts were culminating in my head, I had a meltdown. It started earlier in the day. Did I mention that my sister and I work together?

While we were at work, I heard her plans for the baby's nursery theme, the gadget she wanted to buy so she could make organic baby food, the sports-theme outfits she just bought, and on and on...

They were all of the things I wanted to do. I was supposed to be the one.

After nearly nine years of marriage, having children had yet to become a reality for me and my husband. We wanted children so much.

Driving home, I just could not take it. It was too much. I did not think she would accept her pregnancy quite so quickly, since she and her husband never wanted children. But after having time to think about it, they had accepted their situation and were starting to make preparations.

So I went home, changed clothes, pulled my sneakers on, and headed for a nearby haunt, the Creek Turnpike trail.

The trail is grueling because of all the hills, plus temperature was in the mid-nineties. My stomach was cramped because my cycle was near, so it was a struggle to run that day, to say the least. But I had to.

Running had become an old friend since I hit my 30s. I can vent...clear my head...pray...whatever. It's just me and the pavement, alone with my thoughts.

I began with a brisk walk and a few stretches and then started jogging. It was a tough run. I hadn't done one in months, so I felt like I had to push for every step. It was not the emotionally motivated sprint I had envisioned while driving home.

So, after getting to the top of one of the biggest hills, I stopped to take a breath and collect my energy. As thoughts again flooded my mind and feelings began to resurface, tears flowed. I was overwhelmed by this unexpected turn of events in our lives.

As I took a deep breath and turned around to go back, I saw a billboard on the other side of the highway that arrested my attention. It said, "From here, you can go anywhere."

Hmm, is that so? Sometimes nagging doubts creep up and suggest otherwise.

Tyler, my 5-year-old nephew, learned a big word the other day. My husband taught him what "momentum" means by calling it "mo." Several weeks later, Tyler actually used the word correctly. When he learned that a friend had broken his arm, Tyler said, "Mom, I guess Logan just didn't have enough 'mo,' you know, momentum."

Standing on the top of that hill with tears in my eyes was a defining moment. At times like that, you have to ask yourself, Am I going to stop my journey here and just stay camped out on this hill, or am I going to get my "mo" back and get back on the path?

"Sometimes the moments that challenge us the most define us." (from the documentary, Spirit of the Marathon)

That tough run on that September day and the hard hitting season of life at that moment reminded me that I was indeed, in a significant moment. Sure, life doesn't always turn out the way we hoped. But during times like this, when an old wound re-opens before our eyes, we must decide what we will do.

Will we get our "mo" back or will we lie down and ignore the path that lies ahead of us? Will we finish our course victoriously?

I had to choose that day (and must keep choosing) to keep moving, just as many of us have to choose, sometimes daily, to get up, get back on the path, and keep going, all the while remember Paul's wise words:

...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV)

I'd like to say that I finished strong that day, but I didn't. It was a struggle. Yet I did finish and so will you if you keep running toward Jesus. From this season, you and I truly can go anywhere. And the choice is up to us.

P.S. Through the past few months, this experience has drawn me and my sister closer than ever. And I am reminded that hope celebrates with others because it knows that good things are on the way.

*******
Reprinted by permission from Stepping Stones, a newsletter for infertile
couples published by Bethany Christian Services. For more information
go to www.ssministry.net.
********

If you have been blessed by this message, I hope you will consider looking into Bethany Christian Services and supporting them with your prayers and/or donations. This month, they will offer a free gift to you: Empty Womb: Full Heart (CD). This gift is a message on infertility brought by Pastor Gregg Matte of Houston's First Baptist Church. When you make a donation on the Stepping Stones secure website you must request the CD or contact Phyllis at stepasst@bethany.org.

If you are interesed in receiving the Stepping Stones newsletter, please email stepasst@bethany.org or call (616) 224-7488

They also have a bookstore (www.bethany.org/stepstore) which will contain Christian resources for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can even access a selection of past Stepping Stones artilces by visiting the website http://www.ssministry.net/

As a participant in Tell me Thursday, please let me know in the comment below if you subsribed or any thoughts you have. I was not prompted to write this promotion for the website. It's just something I felt led to share. It was one of the resources I found to be most helpful while I walked through infertility.

(Thanks to all of you who participated in last weeks Tell Me Thursday!)

SSMT # 5

2011-03-02T08:11:00.009-05:00

Sorry, I failed to post my new bible verse for yesterday. I can't believe another month has come and gone. I need to strive to live in the moment. There are so many moments of February that I don't rememeber (or I'd like to forget).

I decided to memorize Ephesians 4:31-32

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." (NIV)

Here are the other verses I have meditated on so far this year:

SSMT #4
"Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23 NIV)

SSMT #3
"Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7 NIV)

SSMT #2
"Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything your land produces." (Proverbs 3:9 NIV)

SSMT #1
"Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed." (Joshua 1:8 NIV)

CSN Giveaway :)

2011-03-01T09:29:00.001-05:00

Can you believe it? When does that ever happen here? I'm hosting my very first giveaway!

So, what do you need? Sheets for your bed? A new kitchen gadget? A toy for your kid? This is what I want! A L Shaped desk. Yes, I'm a nerd. One of my goals for 2011 is to turn our guest room into a home office/playroom. I'm trying to convince Kyle that new office = new desk, right? I would so be Ms. Organized for sure (and I could actually put away all the stuff that keeps piling up in our guest room (aka junk room). Just additional drawer space alone creates instant storage, folks! Also, I want my own little nook in the room (aka the corner). And well, since I'll be looking at the walls while working at this desk, I would be forced to be productive, right?

Most of the world is fond of one stop shopping. Well, I like the perks of shopping online. (After all, any day that I don't need to fix my hair and apply make-up is a good day!) I am thrilled to offer you the best of both worlds. One stop shopping? Please meet CSN.com. Ta-dah!

Ok, ok. That was a totally lame segway to my CSN giveaway, but I gave it a shot.

When Cameron from the CSN promo team contacted me to do a review or giveaway, I was thrilled. Well, actually my first thoughts went more along the lines of "There must be some sort of a mistake. Me? You want ME to have a review or giveaway?" Once Cameron convinced me there was indeed no mistake, I was stoked! STOKED! Then, my thoughts sort of transitioned to "OOOOhhhh.....what can I get?" But I eventually settled on you guys, my loyal readers.

Why you might be wondering? Glad you asked! Well, I have entered every giveaway I could for CSN.com. I've never won any of them, but I've been in love with their website--not to mention some of the things that they offer for ridiculously cheap--for quite some time.

Just look how cute this is:

And this:

Anyone else sense a theme to the play area?

If you’ve never heard of them before, CSN Stores is kind of like a shopping mall--only better. You never have to leave your house. You even save gas! (Sell that one to your spouse!) You don't even need to fight traffic to get there! And, (see how important I made that by bolding and italicizing it) you won't have to deal with the hundreds of teeny-bopper shoppers who have been dropped off by their parents. Or, is that just our mall?

So, who wants to win a $20 promotional code to be used on anything in their store? One of my lucky followers will do just that, so lets run my first giveaway, shall we? Wow, this is so much fun!

Here is your requirement to Enter:

1. You must (see, I bolded and italicized that too) be a follower of this blog. Not a follower yet? No big deal. Just click over there where you see my happy little group of loyal people on the right. It will take you all of about 10 seconds to become one. Once you are a follower (new or old), leave me a comment telling me so. 1 entry

Want to increase your chances of winning? Here are some ways to get additional entries:

2. In a new comment, check out the CSN Stores website and tell me what you think you’d buy using this gift card. Don’t worry, I won’t hold you to it since there are 1,265,458,965,657 + more options. 1 entry

3. In a new comment, let me know that you Blogged about or added a link on your blog about this contest. 1 entry

4. Jump over to my new blog and become a follower there also. [I fully intend by the end of 2011 to transition most of my blogging over to the new one.] Then you will have to come back to this post and leave a comment saying you are now following The Killian Corner.

So that’s the deal. Four chances to win. You are not required to do all of the above listed methods of entry. Choose as many or as few as you like, but please leave me a comment for each way you have entered. No comment no entry. I will be using a random comment generator to select the winner, so don't sell yourself short by doing 1-4 in one comment ;)

You have until Monday, March 7th 11:59:59 PM to submit all of your entries. I’ll pick the winner on Tuesday, March 8th.

For this contest, you must be a U.S. or Canadian resident to enter. Sorry to my international readers! The winner will have 1 week to respond and if they don’t, a new winner will be chosen. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to let me know.

Good luck! Happy Winning!

Important Life Lessons 101

2011-02-27T16:31:00.003-05:00

No matter how old you are, you are never too old to learn important life lessons. I learned a very important life lesson this week, and I will document it here because I want my kids to know that I'm not above admitting when I am wrong about something. I want my boys to know that I'm human, and I will make mistakes too. I want them to know how much I love them, and I want this to be a teachable moment. So, what was it you ask? Appearances can be deceiving.

Unfortunately, this wasn't an "oh, it looks really warm outside. The sun is shining! I'll go outside. Holy moly! I need a jacket." sort of learning experience. There were harsh things said based on appearances; there were many relationships strained; feelings were hurt and bitterness fostered. It was a hard to swallow lesson. But more importantly, a totally avoidable lesson.

See, this was a 2-for-1 sort of lesson. I also learned that communication is key to maintaining healthy relationships. If communication is not present, it can cause the appearances of circumstances to trick you. You believe things you wouldn't otherwise believe. The appearances deceive you.

But the lesson I want to leave for my kids is that when you hurt someone, you ask for their forgiveness. Even if you feel justified in your actions and feelings. You shouldn't just say, "I'm sorry." I want you to also say, "Will you forgive me?"

Thank you Jill for this post. You made me realize then that there was a huge difference in saying "I'm sorry" and asking someone to forgive you.

I've accepted my share of the blame and gone to those people I have hurt and asked for their forgiveness. Now, I pray that they will extend to me the same love as God does when I have hurt or failed Him.

Kade and Kohen, you have an imperfect mom. But listen up, because I want you to carry this with you for your entire lives. "Appearances can be deceiving." When you do people wrong, you will say, "I'm sorry." But I want you to include, "will you forgive me?" Because, these two statements go hand in hand. And, forgiveness is liberating.

Sunday Letters

2011-02-27T08:39:00.005-05:00

I am participating in Deidre's carosal this week. She's been hosting in for a while, and I've always been a lurker of those who participated. It's based on the book the Wednesday Letters by Jason F. Wright. If you haven't read it, you should. It's about hope, forgivenss, love...all of the things that make this life so hard.

Dear Kohen,

You have been a basket of sunshine. I seriously think you are the happiest baby I know. This has been such a hard, trying week. I've needed a "pick me up" more than once, and your sweet smile has always worked for me. I love you so much.

Dear Kade,
You had your first visit to the dentist this week after you fell down. It was so hard for me to watch you cry. Anytime you cry, my heart breaks in a million pieces. I want so much to protect you, but I know you must learn some things on your own[--cause/effect being one of them. (I cry when I see the dentist too.) I love you so much.

Dear Kyle,
This week has been hard--really hard, but one thing about the worst of storms is that usually a rainbow will follow. I appreciate that you are always by my side being the stronger of us two. I appreciate you being the voice of reason when I am so passionate and upset about things beyond my control. I hope you know that I will always put you and our family first. My intentions are pure in that retrospect. I love you so much.

It has to be said...

2011-02-25T21:14:00.002-05:00

Charlie Sheen! Shut your big pie hole, already! You and your big mouth have gotten my favorite TV sitcom cancelled. Vulgar? Yes. Risque? Maybe. Hilariously, laugh until your cheeks hurt funny? Absolutely--especially the older episodes when Jake would crack me up!

AND---I've been contacted for my first give-away/Review. Details to come soon! So if you aren't a follower--hello, all you lurkers---you need to be (because I am quite certain that will be a requirement to enter the great prize they are offering up to one of my US or Canada peeps).

More to come!

Tell me Thursday: Blog stats

2011-02-24T10:02:00.006-05:00

I recently discovered that Blogger had added the nifty "stats" folder. I'm sure it was added some time ago, but I've never been a person to pay attention to detail. In fact, Kyle can cut his hair and I will never notice. He always has to say something first; or, a few days later I'll ask if he's cut his hair, and he'll say "Yeah, several days ago." So, it's new to me. Have you spent some time looking at your blog's stats?

The overview is what I've spent most of my time analyzing. It's a snap shot of webhits but detailed enough to included daily views, posts, and audience. It's super user friendly and customizable. You can view your stats on a daily, weekly, monthly, or all time history.

I guess I'm deeply sad that my most viewed post this week--or ever, for that matter--is "Who knew getting pregnant would be this difficult?" Many of you have read that post. It's how you became a follower of me, or it's how I became a follower of your blog. So, you are likely one of the people in this total. It was my very first post. I felt so defeated and alone in my infertility journey, yet this page has been viewed 1,599 times all together. Do you know what this tells me? I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. It also deeply saddens me that close to 1,600 people have felt that same desperation...that same agony...and that same heartache. And, I hate that I wasn't so alone. I hate that I feel relieved that I wasn't alone.
If I could change the world, this would be one of my priorities along with finding the cure for cancer. It sucks. Both suck.

What is your most viewed post for this week? Of all time? Why do you think it's been viewed so much? Link up directly to your most viewed post below if you like. Also, leave a comment telling us why you think this post is so significant. Include how many times its been viewed.

We added two new members to our family...

2011-02-22T09:50:00.019-05:00

This is "Wilma Washer"

This is "Dillion Dryer"

Aren't they beautiful?

We bought the Whirlpool 4.5 Cu. Ft. Front-Load Washer (White) ENERGY STAR and the Whirlpool 7.4 Cu. Ft. Electric Dryer (White) thanks to Uncle Sam and our tax refund. Also, since these appliances are Energy Efficient, we snagged an extra 15% off the washer and 10% off the dryer thanks to Lowes Hardware. S---Weet! Even Kyle wants to do laundry now, so it was a win-win for me.

Y'all, this is the quietest washing machine I have ever heard. Ever. We live in a townhouse that is 3 levels. Our main living area is on the 2nd level. I was upstairs folding laundry last night while Wilma Washer was on spin cycle doing her thing---SPIN cycle y'all--and I could hear Kohen begin to cry on the main level. That alone made this purchase worth it. We splurged and bought the stands to sit them on for extra storage space. That was so worth the extra expense. It was really nice to fold laundry without having to bend over to take the clothes out of the dryer. I'm pretty sure this is a tiny slice of heaven on earth.

If any of you are in the market for new appliances, I'll give you the specifics:

******
4.5 Cu. Ft. Front-Load Washer (White) ENERGY STAR

ENERGY STAR® qualified
CEE Tier III qualified: based on the Consortium for Energy Efficiency qualified product listings, with Tier III being the most efficient; this model features advanced water and energy savings and may qualify for rebates from local utility companies
Built-in water heater
14 automatic cycles
Quick Wash cycle: clean small, lightly soiled loads in less time
Whitest Whites cycle raises water temperatures and releases bleach or an oxygen-based cleaner at the optimal moment to enhance whitening performance

******
7.4 Cu. Ft. Electric Dryer (White)

Power cord and venting sold separately
Heavy Duty cycle
Normal cycle
Delicate cycle
Quick Dry cycle
Timed Drying
Quad baffle drying system
LED display provides easy selection for all options, displays time remaining and status for the cycle
Reversible door
Adjustable End-of-cycle signal
7.4 cu. ft. capacity
Quick Refresh Steam cycle tumbles 2-5 items in the dryer, letting steam technology relax wrinkles and remove odors; in just 15 minutes, clothes go from lying there to ready-to-wear
Resource Saver® dryer: combines the resource-efficient Eco Normal cycle with the AccelerCare® drying system to provide outstanding energy savings
Wrinkle Shield™ Plus option (up to 120 minutes) tumbles the dryer every 5 minutes after the cycle is complete to help prevent wrinkles from setting into clean, dry fabrics
Quiet Dry Plus noise reduction system
Direct water installation method: a "Y" connector delivers water from washer's existing water line directly to the dryer for easier installation and hassle-free steaming
8 automatic cycles
5 temperature settings

******

So, what do I think? I'm in love. I could do laundry every day. Hold up. I do. I already wash/dry/fold/put away/hang up clothes on a daily basis. So, why not enjoy it, yes? I have a huge instruction booklet to read, but I'm pretty sure that these machines will do almost everything laundry related short of folding, hanging up, and putting away. It has lots of buttons for the techy people, but it seems to be super user friendly for the not-so-techy people, like me. So far, I'm winging it--I just turned the knobs to "normal", added detergent, and pressed start. Wa-la! It was off and running. I feel like I have my very own laundry mat!

And it's an instant baby sitter. Who knew?

I will go ahead and go on record as saying that we were not compensated to write this review. We had to pay for these appliances out of our pockets. The opinions expressed here are mine alone. However, if Lowes or Whirlpool (or anyone else for that matter) would like to send me anything to review, I'll be more than thrilled to do so ;) I'm sure as I learn more about the ins/outs of these machines I'll be telling you more.

I'm trying to make my blog more interesting. Plus, have you heard of the Amazon Vine program? I so badly want to be a member of that. So, I'm practicing.

If you haven't noticed I added a cool widget way over here -----------------------> to report live feed to my blog. That should tell me if I should consider going private until all the family drama is resolved. We are currently getting the silent treatment, so I guess silence is better than saying something you regret. By the way, if you are a lurker, I'd love to have you step out of webland and leave me a comment or become a follower. I'll beg if I must ;)

I hope you are having a fantastic week! I got a raise at work today, so maybe this is God's timing too.

Storms, Rainbows, and other Mishaps

2011-02-21T11:30:00.002-05:00

"When the storm is raging around you, be your own sunshine while searching for your rainbow." -Me

Wow, that's pretty good insight. I just made that up, or at least I think I did. We are dealing with some family drama. Kyle and I opened up a huge can of worms, and we are experiencing the fall out now. It sucks. But, we stand together. It's us against the world, or what feels like the world. I'm not certain who all reads this blog since it's public, so I'll just leave it at that. If family is reading this none of this is news to you. Kyle and I will continue to take the high road while we search for our rainbow. But we do appreciate that you care enough to make us the topic of your Facebook status'...cause that is mature on so many levels.

Rant over.

Things have been, well, as you can see. We know its only temporary, but we sure wish we could see the rainbow. Until then, we will make our own sunshine. We appreciate your prayers.

Question: can you password protect posts on blogger?

Have a great day!

Dear Kohen

2011-02-18T21:36:00.008-05:00

Dear Kohen,

You are now 14 weeks old!

I know.

I am shocked too.

Where has the time gone?

You are the happiest baby I know.

You wake up smiling; you go to sleep smiling.

It melts my heart every time I see it.

And, I may be a wee bit biased, but I think you are so handsome.

You definitely get your good looks from Daddy.

You sleep like a champ; you definitely get that from me!

You are already sleeping through the night!

It seems like yesterday when you were placed in my arms for the very first time.

Please stop growing up so quickly!

I love you so much!

Love, Mommy

Things I love Thursday...

2011-02-17T09:03:00.004-05:00

I am participating in the "Things I Love Thursday" carnival over at Diaper Diaries. Go check her out and play along. She is also hosting a great giveaway from Daysprings. A $50 gift card to be used on anything in their store! So, go enter now for your chance to win something really great! They have so many great things! I could totally deck my entire house out if my pockets were deeper!

Anway, Things I love Thursday...

Recently, we celebrated Kade's 2nd birthday. Lately he has taken up an interest in trains (Thank You Mickey Mouse and your Choo Choo Express), so we decided to get him this:

We just purchased the Thomas the Train powerwheel! Kyle and I thought this would be the perfect gift! We were right!

The train is small, so Kade is able to get on/off of it easily. The product description said it only moves at a rate of 2 mph, which is the prefect pace for a smaller child. It was really easy (and quick!!) to assemble. In fact, applying the stickers took the most time. If this item interest you in your future gift giving, we recommend charging it before it's actually given as a gift. It will require 18 hrs to charge. With this said, Kade has had it for over 2 weeks and we haven't had to charge it again. It has been used every day as he rides it around our house for approximately 30 minutes every day. Did I mention its small enough to be used in doors? Awesome for the weather we've been having in NC!

Our only notable complaint is that the wheels are really slick. It has been difficult for the wheels to get traction on our wooden floors. At times, Kade will require a small push when moving from room to room to get over where the floors meet. It seems to work really well on our rugs, so we are excited to see how well it will work outside once the weather gets warmer--like today! We are going to be 70 degrees! I'm stoked! Contrary to one reviewer, our floors have not been damaged at all by the wheels, but its good to be wary if you have wood floors.

Overall impressions are that it was a great deal for the price. Extremely affordable compared to other powerwheels. Kade loves it, and he plays with it daily--and he isn't even a Thomas the Train fanatic. We think it’s a great first starter powerwheel for small children. It is extremely user friendly.

So, there you have it! Things we love...things to keep our kids entertained at an affordable price!

Go here to read more reviews or buy your own Thomas the Train powerwheel!

SSMT # 4

2011-02-15T12:43:00.007-05:00

I have chosen my verse for Feb 15, 2011.

"Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Colossians 4:23 (NIV)

There are so many days--okay, if I'm honest it's most days (especially Mondays)--that I wake up and the first words out of my mouth are, "I hate working first shift." Just this week Kyle asked me if working 2nd shift would make me happier. I told him, "No. I think it's just that I hate my job." I've been unhappy with my job for quite some time. I've worked for the same company for 13 years. I started working for my company right out of high school, and I have worked my way up to the position I have now. I am a retail accountant for 6 smaller accounts we have. I prepare financial statements, taxes, etc for each company. On most days, it's an okay job. I love my co-workers; I make a decent salary; but I am not fulfilled. Some days I go to work and I know that nothing I will do really matters.

Today God whispered sweetly in my ear that I needed a new attitude toward my job. Most economies have really suffered in the recession. NC is no exception. We have been hit really hard. Unemployment is still about 14%. So, in a market where there would be 50 people who would gladly take my place at my job, I should be thankful that I am employed. And I am. I need to work cheerfully as if I am working for the Lord in all that I do--even my job because it really does matter, and someone, somewhere is watching me.

SSMT #3
"Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7 NIV)

SSMT #2
"Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything your land produces." (Proverbs 3:9 NIV)

SSMT #1
"Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed." (Joshua 1:8 NIV)

Weekend Recap...

2011-02-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

We've had a fun weekend. We celebrated Kade's 2nd birthday with a small party of family and friends. The picture you see here is him telling us all--through his crocodile tears--to stop singing Happy Birthday to him. If you attended, don't take it personally. I tried to sing him Jesus Loves Me the other day and he cried. So excuse me while I rejoice that it's not just MY singing he hates... Yippee! ;) Lucky for us, we had cake! Mickey Mouse cake! So all is well with the world again!

And if cake wouldn't dry up the tears, then all of the gifts he was showered with would!

This punch recipe was a huge hit! It's super easy to make and virtually impossible to screw up. You can use any kind of jello. We like the lime and is what we served. I have made it with the strawberry, and it is equally yummy!

Ingredients:
2 1/2 cups white sugar
6 cups water
2 (3 ounce) packages strawberry
flavored gelatin mix
1 (46 fluid ounce) can pineapple juice
2/3 cup lemon juice
1 quart orange juice
2 (2 liter) bottles lemon-lime flavored
carbonated beverage

Directions:
1. In a large saucepan, combine sugar, water, and strawberry flavored gelatin. Boil for 3 minutes. Stir in pineapple juice, lemon juice, and orange juice. Divide mixture in half, and freeze in 2 separate containers.
2. When ready to serve, place the frozen contents of one container in a punch bowl, and stir in 1 bottle of lemon-lime soda until slushy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, we spent the day with Nanny and Pawpaw. And he got his last present from us. His Pawpaw, Uncle Shawn, and Daddy finished putting together his swing set. Well, to be fair, it's for all the grandkids, but he gets to enjoy it all by himself right now! So, today, it's his!

And, I think he approves!

And I will toss in this super cute photo for good measure!

We hope you have had an enjoyable weekend!

Weekend Away...

2011-02-12T19:30:00.003-05:00

Last weekend, Kyle and I went to the Jason Aldean concert. It was an amazing show, but it was even more amazing to get away...just the two of us. We have very hectic schedules (who doesn't, right?) with work, our boys, my going to school. It seems like the weeks pass by so quickly and we don't see each other at all. So, we took a moment to slow our pace...and just enjoy each other's company. It was WONDERFUL! We are so blessed to have the marriage that we do. I'm a very lucky lady; I do know that.

First on stage was a newer band named The JaneDear Girls. Picture an 80's girl rocking hair band gone country. Got it? That's the best I can do to describe them. Their first single is called Wildflower and its pretty good. You can check it out here:

The JaneDear Girls - Wildflower (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: The JaneDear Girls

Next up was one of our favorites. Eric Church! He is actually from where we live, so it's really great to see someone who has finally "made it" from a little ol' NC town. He was awesome!

We finally got to see Jason Aldean. I'll be honest--next to Matchbox Twenty--he is my/our next favorite artist. We love his songs, and I had the best time watching my amazing husband sing along with him. I tried to upload some videos, but I couldn't for this blog. So, you'll have to settle for a picture. (This really stinks for you guys, because I nearly fainted when he preformed "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. A-MAZ-ING!

It was a great short weekend trip, and I'm really looking forward to the next one!

Much Love,
Kyle & Elaine

Things I Love Thursday...

2011-02-10T11:19:00.017-05:00

The thing I love most about today is that I get to celebrate the birth

of one of our miracle sons, Kade.

He is one of the children that doctors--specialists--told me I would never have.

He is independent...

He is funny....

He is happy....

He is spoiled....

But most all, he is loved!

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! I can't believe you are TWO!!!!

From the Beginning...Who Knew Getting Pregnant Would Be This Hard?

2011-02-09T08:43:00.005-05:00

Here is how I came to blogging....I wrote this over four years ago. I am now 31 years old, and Kyle and I will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary this year. We now have two handsome, healthy baby boys which we couldn't possibly be deserving of. Things are drastically different now, but this is our story...and I pray that it will encourage you if you are waiting on your prayers to be answered. If you have a success story, (pregnancy, adoption, or contentment without children) I have a place below where you can link up. Let us all share God's comfort with each other today.

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My name is Elaine. I am 27 years old, and I am married to a wonderful man, Kyle. We have been married for 4 years, and we have been trying to have a baby since our wedding night. Here we are years down the road and two miscarriages later still without a baby to hold.

So here I am. I decided to title my blog My prayers, His promises in hopes to reinforce my faith in God. He hears my prayers and will answer them in His time. I hold on to the promises He has made me in His Word.

A little bit about me:

I found out I was pregnant with our first child December 23, 2004. What perfect timing! At this point we had been trying to conceive for 14 months. With Christmas a few days later, we felt it to be a perfect time to tell all of our family and friends. December 30, exactly one week later, I started spotting and had my husband take me to the emergency room. My highest high in life became my lowest low. I was having a “probable” miscarriage the doctor had said. The only thing I could do was go home and wait it out. I was only 5.5 weeks.

Telling my family and friends was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Their words of comfort, for example, “There must have been something wrong with the baby,” or, “At least you know you can get pregnant, and you’ll have another chance,” or “It was God’s will,” did nothing but make me angry. ANGRY. No one, NO ONE understood the heartache that I was/still am feeling. I knew that they loved me, but nothing they could say would comfort me.

No matter how much I doubted it, to my surprise, the sun still rose each morning. It didn’t quite shine the same way to me, but never-the-less, life went on with or without my participation. I cut myself off from everyone: my husband, my family, friends, GOD. It’s almost like I was embarrassed. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. No one in my entire family had ever had a miscarriage; I am healthy; I am young; I take care of myself; I am a good person. How could this happen? More importantly, where was God?? I don’t know how Jesus felt when he was on the cross dying for my sins, but I truly felt that God had forsaken me at this point.

Months past, I got out of church and out of God’s will. I partied with my friends. Eight months later, August 04, 2005 I found out I was pregnant again. Again, it couldn’t have occurred at a more perfect time. I was avoiding what was suppose to be my estimated due date with baby #1 (August 30, 2005) when I found out I was pregnant again. I was shocked!! Could this be the baby we would hold? My pregnancy seemed to progress normally, or so I thought. I had all the pregnancy symptoms. I felt good….different this time. This was it. I knew it… I felt confident that God would bless us with a child this time around.

At my first doctor’s appointment, I had my first sonogram. I was so excited to see the baby…I couldn’t wait. I’ll never forget what the technician said (you know they aren’t supposed to say anything), “It doesn’t look like an 8 week baby to me…” At first, I thought I had misunderstood her. As the silence progressed I knew I hadn’t. This time, I had a blighted ovum…a sac, but the baby never developed. I thought I was pregnant, my body thought I was pregnant…I had to have a d & c the same day. It was Sept. 6, 2005

I just couldn’t believe it had happened again. All of the comforting statistics…I’m sure you’ve heard them yourself…once you lose a baby to miscarriage the likelihood of it happening again is decreased… Although that is supposed to be a true statistic, it did not apply to me. I asked the doctor if we were now eligible for any sort of testing…and we are not until we have had three miscarriages. Why would I put myself, my family, or my husband back through this again, especially if something is truly wrong with me?

We have now gone through preliminary testing. My husband has had a semen analysis and I have had a HSG, which is an x-ray of your abdomen to make sure your tubes are open. Both checked out okay. Since we had now been trying for more than 6 months since my 2nd miscarriage, my doctor agreed to try clomid and IUI. I tried not to get my hopes up as its success rate is only 20%. Let’s face it, odds have never exactly gone in my favor. It failed.We repeated the IUI with clomid…then injectible drugs…and repeated it again. Five unsuccessful IUI’s, on we go in this quest of mother/father-hood.

I did handle my second miscarriage a little better emotionally. I guess it is because I knew what to expect this time around. There are days that I think I am strong. Don’t let that fool you…there were/still are days that I cry so much that I don’t know how I could not be dehydrated when I finally get myself together. The emptiness is still in the depth of my soul, and no matter what I do, I don’t know how to fill it.

I am back in church now. I have made some changes in my life which can only be to my benefit. I pray…I have tried and tried to give this problem to God. On days I think I have. Then there are days that I know I haven’t, but I am just not sure what to do differently. There are days that I just simply go through the motions of life…there are days that I catch myself smiling and laughing again though. (Thank you, God)

A few weeks ago, we found out some of our friends are expecting their 2nd. Basically, we were trying when they conceived their first, and now they are pregnant again. Life just seems so unfair at times. “Why, God? What have I done to make You so mad at me?” I have literally watched some people get pregnant, have babies, and now their children are turning THREE since Kyle and I have been trying to have our first child.It seems everywhere I look are pregnant women: on television, at shopping centers, work, church…and I am not one of them. It kills me.

My prayers, His promises...I just have to keep faith. Good days/Bad days. That’s just the way life is for me/us now. We just pray and pray and pray…I haven't been able to put it in God’s hands…not because of my lack of faith in Him, I just don't know how. I just pray. Every time I think about it now, I just pray! Even when I’m all prayed out—I just pray. I know that prayer is what has gotten me through the last few years spiritually and emotionally, not to mention has only helped our marriage become better and stronger.

Some people think I need to consider seeking professional help, because I am always so sad. How do you seek help for mourning a dream you have? Kyle and I have agreed it's time to do IVF...we at first didn't want to tell anyone, because to be honest, it's somewhat embarrassing to me as a woman. But I am seeking anyone's advice who has been down this road before and can offer any guidance. It's not a guarentee, but it's a new journey of itself and is completely new to us since we don't know anyone personally who has gone through this.

So that's why I'm here...My prayers, His promises. I am going to lean on other Christian women who can help pray me through this journey. I want to pray for you too, whatever your circumstances may be. I know now that I am not alone in this, nor am I the only person who has gone through something this "life-changing." It has changed my life--every single aspect.

Thanks for reading this, I know it has been lengthy. Thank you for giving me somewhere to express these feelings. Thank you for the new friends I will meet and the prayer partners I will gain. Thank you, Lord, in advance for how you will use this blog for Your glory.

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Now it's your turn to share your success story here. Blog about it, or if you have in the past share your story here:

Great Deal...$20 at Barnes & Noble for $10

2011-02-04T11:49:00.002-05:00

I got this email today. I wanted to pass on the savings to you all:

You can get a $20 gift certificate for Barnes & Noble for $10. (The only restriction I saw was that you have to redeem it by April.) I bought one...go grab the savings for yourself.

http://www.groupon.com/deals/barnes-noble-charlotte

What Blogs Are You Reading???

2011-02-03T09:37:00.004-05:00

Hello Friends! I thought today I would share with you a few of the blogs I am reading:

Have you read about or saw the news of the unrest in Egypt? Well, my bloggy friend lives in Cairo. She, too, fought the battle of infertility and won. After 10 years of trying, she welcomed Super Baby in Oct 2010. She has been updating on the chaos in Egypt as she has had time. Go here to read more...Please pray for her and others.

Need a neat idea to celebrate Love Month? My friend Deidre has a cool way to show Love as a verb for the entire month of Februrary. She has two beautiful, witty daughters who allow her blog to be both serious and comical. And, she has a love for the Lord that shines through at the heart of every post. If you need some encouragement, check her out. You can also visit Mindy who is playing along as well.

I'm also still following my fellow infertility sisters Allison, Amanda, Melissa, Courtney,Joannah, and Mandy who are all pregnant with #2 (except Joannah who is expecting her first, a baby girl, in a few short months!

And, Ms. Joy just found out she is expecting again!

Go over and give Glenna a big ol' hug too. She is pursuing adoption again, but has chosen to adopt internationally this time! I am so excited for her, and I can't wait to watch her family grow!

What blogs are you reading?

SSMT Verse 3 & other

2011-02-01T13:55:00.006-05:00

I have chosen my next verse for SSMT 2011. Pretty soon you will begin to notice a theme emerging. So, without further ado, I give you verse 3:

"Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)

I chose this verse to be more money savvy in 2011. As I glance at my mountain of student loans, revolving debt, our mortgage, car payments, DAYCARE!!! I grow weary very quickly. It seems that each year we have to use our tax refund to pay off debts we've accumulated along the way. This year, I resolve to no longer be a servant to our lenders. I feel quite certain that I can knock a few of these debts out in full with our tax refund, but my student loan debt I may be carrying with me into retirement at this point! (Kyle says, "Well, if you would only stop going to school?!? Okay, so he may have a point, but don't tell him I said so. Is it possible to become addicted to becoming educated? If so, I'm guilty as charged.) Anyway, I hope by meditating on this verse that I will be more quick to pay with cash rather than postponing the inevitable.

(It's not too late to participate if you feel led to do so.Go here to get started.) ***********
In other news, I.Am.Exhausted. We've been fighting germs at our house that just won't go away. In the past 2 weeks, we've had 6 doctor appts (2-Kade, 2-Kohen, 1-Mommy, 1-Daddy). The boys have had RSV while Kyle and I have each had a sinus infection. Can you say "Sick and tired of being sick and tired." Because I am. We are. Sick of being sick. Finally, 3 antibiotics and a Z-pack later (between all of us), I think we are finally on the mend. I'm almost hesitant to say that out loud.

Here are some pics of our sweet boys:

Kohen will be 3 months old soon! I have no idea where the time has gone. It seems like yesterday when I was on my way to the hospital to deliver him.

Here is my sweet Kade helping my mom make me a birthday cake.

Have a blessed week!
Elaine

For my Sweet Friends who are still waiting on their Miracle...

2011-01-28T09:15:00.003-05:00

I love this devotional. Love it! If you need a little bit of encouragement (who can't), then look in to subscribing to it. Here is todays:

Waiting in My WingsTags: Courage, Everyday Faith, Hope, Prayer

Waiting has been terribly sweet.

“Because sometimes in the waiting for what we long for, we praise God long when the gift comes at long last. Sometimes God has his people wait long, so our gratitude becomes deeper and wider.” – Ann Voskamp, The Jesse Tree Journey

It was chosen for me – the waiting.

I choose my response.

I grew weary at the amount of “In God’s timing. . .” I’ve heard after these last 5 and half years of deep desire to be called “Mommy.” I know it’s true and best, but those words stirred up ugly responses, like a rake to my tender heart.

But God. . . He has shown me grace, a bent down hug when I stumbled into a pit. He gives me revelation that His perfect timing was not only for me, but my future children – His little children. That someday their story will be in the Book with Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Benjamin, Samson, Samuel, and John. All prayed for and believed for by their parents. All appointed for a miraculous time. All chosen before birth by Our Creator, to a specific job in The Kingdom.

All of these, the ones that were prayed for, longed for, waited for – they all point to Messiah – the One we all waited for. Who has come as promised and will come again. The waiting for His return is long-suffering, but Revelation imagery tells us is worth the wait. More-than-I-can-imagine worthy.

So I wait.

For my gut-wrenching prayers to bathe my sweet babes. . . of knowing, pleasing, revealing Our Father from birth to death, the moment of entrance matters. Every moment matters — the first cry, the best friend, the favorite teacher, the split second almost car wreck, the lifetime kiss that tingles, the True Love of Eternity, the life.

I can step back and know that my years of waiting are only a blink. A wink in the eye of The Lover of My Soul. I can – without seeing – love my children, bless them, and expect them. My first act as mother – to release them to God’s timing. All In God’s Timing.

So I wait.

God’s writers don’t share what these future Mamas, of such pivotal people like Jacob and John, did while they waited. I’m assuming they felt like me. Hopefully expectant, fingers white from gripping truth, faith like a roller coaster, with visions of family around their fire, knowing God will come through on His promises. . . struggling at moments, wondering if they heard correctly when their life looks so different from those surrounding them.

The Soul Counselor tells me it’s worth the wait – for us, for the child, for His Kingdom. The longer I wait the more hope God provides, the closer He becomes, and the more grand the praise is when our child arrives.

To be grouped in with women such as Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth and others is an honor. Friends, neighbors, and the town folk all knew their little miracle was from God. There were no other explanations.

But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly on wings like eagles. Isaiah 40:31

It’s an effortless moment to soar. Gliding on His plan-winds.

So, for now, I soar. On wings that God Himself has given. Him imparting strength and dignity, full of surprise and blessings. Moments planned when my Momma prayed for me.

I wait. Full of watchful, patient expectation. I trust God. . . and praise Him for the gift I can not yet see, but believe is coming.

By Stephanie Bryant, Co-Founder of (in)courage & Creative Mastermind at S Bryant Social Marketing

Tagged as: faith, hope, trusting God

SSMT #2

2011-01-17T09:51:00.003-05:00

I'm a few days late posting this, but here is the second verse I have chosen for the SSMT 2011:

"Honor the Lord with thy substance and with the firstfruits of all thine increase." Proverbs 3:9

Honor the Lord with thy substance--your wealth--and with the firstfruits of all thine increase--the BEST part of everything your land produces.

Again, "Honor the Lord with your wealth..." I've struggled over the years with tithing. I'll be honest, the $ just wasn't there. No matter how I budgeted, I couldn't account for paying our bills and giving 10% of our funds in tithes. I understand now that this is my lack of faith in God's ability to provide for my family's needs. He's working with me on this, and 2011 I will chose to honor him with my wealth. Over the past few weeks, I've really cut back on our excess spending. I have packed my lunch every day for work. We've been cooking more at home. I can see the difference in our bank acct which will allow for me to give 10% to God.

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As a side note, I had to share something with you all that happened to me this week. When I received my weekly pay check, I noticed that it was $50 more than it should have been. I sat at my desk contemplating on whether to question HR about it. The arguement with my conscience went something like this:

Me: "It's not that much money."
Conscience: "It may not be your's."
Me: "I work for a multi-million dollar company."
Conscience: "It's stealing."
Me: "I feel under-appreciated as an employee. What's the harm?"
Conscience: "Call HR. It's wrong not to question it."
Me: "What if I didn't call HR and I am reprimanded once this error is caught?"
Conscience: "Make the call."
Me: "Okay, I'll make the call."

It was a battle of good vs. evil. Ultimately, I followed my gut and did call. Turns out that the money was actually owed to me--a payroll error from when my maternity leave began. I felt so relieved (and proud of myself) for calling--not to mention excited to have $50 I wasn't expecting. You guys will call me crazy, but it was worth it to give it back if it wasn't mine. I would be stealing, and I know how displeasing that would be to the Lord.

The strangest thing happened after that. The same day, I received a check from my obgyn office for $250 where we overpaid for my last pregnancy. Who says honest people finish last? Perhaps we would have gotten this check whether I called HR or not. But, I chose to believe that by following my instincts on my payroll check that the Lord chose to reward me 5 fold.

He's an amazing God.

My Reading Journal

2011-01-11T15:58:00.003-05:00

I started a new blog in 2010 to keep record of books I had read. You can find it here. This blog is more of a journal than book review website.

These days, I am finding myself reading mostly young adolescent/young adult literature. My interest is not out of my explicit refusal to embrace my thirty's. I do, however, find YA novels facinating. As a future Language Arts educator I feel it is my reponsibilty to be knowledgeable about some of the books my students will be reading. I also make notes of any parental concerns (sexual content, explicit language, etc.) My reviews are not nearly as detailed as some of the book blogs I've researched. There aren't character narratives or plot spoilers. It's mostly my overall reaction to the novels and any quotes which stood out to me. I document books to keep me reading and improve my writing skills. However, it's still evolving with every novel I add.

I just finished The Hunger Games this week. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland...

2011-01-10T12:03:00.005-05:00

The eastern United States is being pelted by snow. I experienced my first white Christmas in 2010. It was nice.

However, anyone who loves snow has obviously never worked in groceries... banking... or healthcare. I work for a large food distributor in the southeastern US. We NEVER close due to weather conditions. That's just the way it is. We are forced to use what little vacation time we are given for weather... and doctor appointments... and sick kids... and holidays... and any other life circumstances. So, after ten years of employment, I have learned to pick my battles.

I awoke to two, possibly three inches of snow this morning. After much debate and a lot of self-convincing, I decided to work today. However, had I not taken time off last week for my dad's surgery, I would be snuggled in my bed right now. I couldn't afford to use more vacation time so soon. I only have 3 weeks, which may seem like a lot, but I'm here to tell you it isn't. Never-the-less, I have a job, so for that alone I am thankful (and continually reminding myself of since four hours have passed and three more inches of snow have dropped).

Kyle works for a bank who is also open today, albeit they were at least delayed. So, don't worry friends. I will keep you supplied in bread and milk while Kyle oversees your ability to purchase them. Together we can get through the treacherous weather of Winter 2011 :)

By the way, do you ever wonder why its bread and milk? The two staple must-have items for any weather conditions. Odd, yes?

I hope you read that with the sarcasm in which it was written. There may be some *slight* truth to it, but its just the mood I am in today. Aaahhh! If only I could be a child who is giddy at the first sight of flakes! Perhaps as my boys get older my love for snow will reemerge. But for now, friends, it's buried beneath the cold.

My dad's surgery went well last week. His carotid artery was 80% blocked which is the likely culprit of his stroke back in Dec 2010. I am so blessed that he is still here. I wonder if he--the hardest working man I know--is enjoying a snow day? Did I just find my silver lining? Maybe (just maybe) this is God's way of making my dad rest today. For his rest, I too will be thankful.

Stay warm!

Sweet Revelations of 2011...

2011-01-06T08:17:00.003-05:00

Wow! If you haven't read this post, you should. I will be first to say I am guilty of the same sin. Thank you Jill, for sharing your heart with us. I love the simplicity of your post and the sincerity of your words. It was a powerful way to remind us all that God frowns upon this type of behavior even when our intentions mean well.

Just moments after I read this post, I was approached by a co-worker who shared something very private with me. I found it so ironic how God immediately chose to test me. If Jill's post hadn't been fresh on my heart, I imagine that my reaction would have been much different.

I will not fail this test, Lord.
Elaine

Happy 2011!

2011-01-04T09:38:00.007-05:00

Happy New Year Friends!

I am really looking forward to 2011 and the possibilities that it brings with it, not only for my family but for all of your families. I set some goals for 2011 which I will share with you all below:

For starters, I am participating in this for the FIRST time! While I was out on maternity leave, I fell in love with the 700 Club. I found myself watching it often, and it really encouraged me in areas I needed. I decided that 2011 would be a year of growing closer to the Lord for me. I know memorizing scripture will be stepping stones into that type of relationship with the Lord. So, I found what I feel is the perfect first verse (for me):

"This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success." --Joshua 1:8, KJV

I also really like the NIV version of the same verse. It seems a little more simplified:

"Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."

Another goal for 2011 is to make alone time for myself and Kyle. With daycare costs, I don't foresee the ability to take an extended extravagant vacation in the near future. However, we have surmised a compromise of sorts. For instance, Feb 4 we will be attending the Jason Aldean concert and staying overnight here. Greensboro is only about 2 hours away from where we live, but it will be a night away for just the two of us. I can't begin to tell you how excited we are! We really hope to take several mini-vacations in 2011.

My classes start back up next week. My goal is to do my best this semester and stop fretting over an imperfect GPA. My absolute best is good enough.

Every year, I set a goal of drinking more water. I fail miserably, but I feel compelled to include it again this year. I am drinking a bottle of water now, so that's a descent start, right?

Given the events as of late with my daddy's health, I also hope that Kyle and I will eat better, healthier in 2011. So, I kissed goodbye to fast food for a while. I was sad at first, but I have survived.

There are other trivial goals, but I'll bore you no longer. Wishing you all a prosperous, healthy 2011.

Update...part 2

2010-12-31T15:55:00.007-05:00

So, right after I did this post, my life sort of spiraled out of control. My dad suffered a stroke on Dec. 16 which left us all caught by surprise. He is (Praise God) recovering amazingly well, even though he has to have surgery Jan 5 on his coratid artery that is 80% blocked. Here is a picture of my dad holding Kohen when he was born.

My sweet husband, Kyle, graduated with his Master's Degree on Dec. 20 from Gardner Webb University! I am sooooooo very proud of him!

Our nephew, Alex flew in from Montana to spend Christmas with our family. We hadn't seen him in over a year! Look how grown up he is...

Alex with Aunt Lisa (my sister-in-law)and Dawson (our nephew)

Alex was suppose to fly back to Montana today, but decided it was more important to have an emergency appendectomy. Here he is after surgery:

I'll save Christmas for a post of its own in the near future. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and may you have a prosperous New Year!

It's been a while... Part 1

2010-12-16T12:23:00.006-05:00

It's been a terribly long time since I last blogged. In fact, the last time I wrote, this is what I looked like:

Things have been very busy for us. This will be the first of several "catching up" posts.

For starters, we welcomed this little man into our family on Nov 10.

He arrived via scheduled c-section at 7:48 a.m. weighing 7 lbs 8 oz and 20.5 inches long. Since his name also starts with a K, I can't call him Baby K. Soooo... We named him Kohen. He now is 5 weeks old, which seems unbelievable to me. It's truly crazy how quickly time has gone by.

Here is big brother, Kade (aka Baby K).

He has adjusted so much better than I anticipated he would. I thought he would be really jealous of his dad and I holding his baby brother. However, to my surprise he hasn't been.

I have received several emails asking me to update our blog. Thank you to those of you who have asked. I remember all to well how bittersweet these posts were for me. It was especially difficult during the holiday season. So, I chose to blog very little about our pregnancy. Just because I have climbed out of the depths of infertility doesn't mean I have forgotten how it feels. [Let me remind my readers that my climb out took 5 years] It wasn't easy; it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and if I had to go through it again, I'm not sure how I could do it. But, in hindsight...I am so thankful for my journey. I have learned so much about myself, about my husband and our marriage, about my strength, and about our Lord.

I've met so many wonderful people who I count among the blessings I've received from infertility. There was a time I would have never thought I could be blessed by all the heartache, but I am so thankful for it. I was closer to God when he denied me my every hearts desire, and I'm currently journeying back to have that relationship with Him.

More to come...

Some Thoughts...

2010-08-13T08:47:00.002-04:00

I finally finished up my Summer Semester! I am currently on a short break before the Fall Semester begins, so I have spent many evenings catching up on house chores I let fall to the side while I concentrated on school. I have also came home each day from work and taken a short nap. I think I once underestimated the power of sleep. It's funny how when you feel as if you aren't getting any, you are gently reminded that your body needs rest--it's something you should make time for even when you feel as if there aren't enough hours in the day.

I'll also make a small confession here: I'm weary. My heart is so heavy for several friends right now, some of which are you. Does it feel like every where you look that the world is in turmoil? People are hurting...and it really breaks my heart to feel this powerless over certain circumstances. Patience has never been a strong virtue of mine. (I prayed for patience once, and it took my five years to become pregnant with my son. I vowed never again to pray for patience.) The truth is that waiting on God to answer your prayers is so hard... especially when your heart is aching and you seek immediate relief. I know that we are to seek refuge at the foot of the cross; that should be enough. However, the human aspect of us all often wonders what to do next when that doesn't feel like it's enough.

A good friend once told me that "we as humans are conditioned to always want more." I've found that to be true. I once thought that having a baby would complete my life and it would be all I ever needed in my life. Yet, I recently have found myself dissatisfied with "worldly" possessions. I am really unhappy with my job; I don't like my appearance; I have new car fever... see? I always want more. When is God's best going to be good enough for me?

This is just a post which has been laying on my heart lately. It could possibly be hormone related or that I am simply emotionally and physically exhausted. I just feel a huge burden for us all right now, and it makes me anxiously await the return of Christ, so that all of these trials and tribulations are things of the past.

Pulling out my hair...

2010-07-23T12:17:00.002-04:00

This is what I look like lately...aside from the perfectly pressed clothes and accessories. I have also forgone applying makeup.

I am having a terribly hard semester at school! My professor has extremely unrealistic expectations for a 5 week course, especially for students who have class 3 nights per week and also work full time jobs. I'm usually really good with managing my time to prioritize work, family, school... As of today, I've never felt so overwhelmed in my life by a single course.

If you are curious as to where I've been, all of my free time is consumed with school assignments right now. As mentioned, I have class 3 nights per week and I haven't been to bed before midnight in weeks. Add in that my son is still waking once per night and that I am now 23 weeks pregnant, and you will end up with one extremely exhausted mommy who is about to burst at any given moment!

However, this class will not defeat me... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...it's dim, but it's there!

...please join me in prayer.

2010-07-09T09:00:00.003-04:00

I wanted to ask you all to please join me in praying for my sweet friend Joannah. She is one of the strongest women I have ever known. Life is just being unbearably (what we would call) "unfair" to her. Despite life's many adversities, she gives God the praise He deserves in good/bad times. Like many of us, she has battled infertility. Also, just four months ago, she lost her husband to cancer. Joannah, being the incredibly brave and strong woman she is, decided to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer from when she and her husband were undergoing IVF. Yesterday she went in for her first beta which was 14. On Saturday, Joannah goes in for her 2nd beta, and her small army of prayer warriors are praying for increased levels. Will you please join me on my knees in the days ahead?

I'm in love...

2010-07-06T14:00:00.004-04:00

...with this icecream! Have you tried it? Seriously, people, it's the best thing I've ever tasted! It tastes so much like birthday cake! If you like birthday cake, your taste buds will be in Heaven! Last night, I grabbed this out of the freezer and just started eating it stait from the carton. (Don't judge! I'm the only one eating from it!) After a while--okay, a long while--K walks over and takes the spoon from my hand and the icecream away. I think I almost cried, even though I am quite certain I would have eaten the entire carton if he hadn't came to my rescue. And did I mention it's 1/3 less fat!?! I'm usually not a healthy eater and shy away from anything with the words "Reduced" or "Less" on them. I have to admit, this stuff tastes like it's packed full with sugar and calories (all the good yummy things!), so even I was in disbelief Edy's could pull it off! Go get ya some! You can thank me later!

Tonight I start back school. I will have teaching methods for middle grades geometry for 3 hrs/3 nights per week. Yippee! [*insert sarcasm*] Good thing that my school is next to

and they have the best milkshakes around! And guess what?...they now have Birthday Cake Milkshakes for a limited time only. That should help get the brain juices flowing for 3 hrs worth of geometry!

I hope this week is being sweet to you!

Feel Good Monday Moment...

2010-07-05T13:31:00.003-04:00

Here is your "Awe...how sweet" for Monday! This brought tears to my eyes! Enjoy!

This is 8 month old Jonathan (who was born deaf) when he hears his mommy's voice for the very first time! Medical miracles happen every day. I'm sure this too was once thought to be impossible!

2010-06-30T15:51:00.002-04:00

I had a pleasant surprise in my inbox today. Katy sent me the sweetest email. Many of you have likely received one similar...someone in the world is reaching out to you telling you that your blog (and your journey becoming a parent) is inspiring to them. That's when you realize that your pain and heartache has been worth it all, isn't it? After chatting via email, I have to tell you all that she is just the sweetest girl, going through the toughest time right now. A time that most of us can relate to and use to encourage her. So, this post is calling out to my fellow IF'rs (new or old to the journey) to show her some love on her new blog:

http://myfaithlooksup.blogspot.com

Don't you just love the name she chose for her blog? I can already tell that God is going to do amazing things with her story...and that she will be an inspiration to someone else one day. Katy, you just keep your faith Girl! We are all here to support you through this!

If you are reading this and you are a lurker who is still waiting, please comment below so I can update my reader list of "Praying Partners." I can remember when most of the Answered Prayers were listed under the "Praying Partners," and I told Katy that it proved to me God is still in the miracle making business.

So, whatcha waiting for? Go give her a big ol' hug!

Elaine

Just wanted to let you know....

2010-06-24T18:28:00.002-04:00

Grrr....

2010-06-17T11:52:00.003-04:00

My poll over --------------------> wasn't working, so I had to take it down. When it was last working, I believe the vote was 3 Girls and 2 Boys... So you must cast your vote in the comment section below. Sorry for the inconvenience to you all, but I hope you play along anyway :)

Elaine

A Little of This...A Little of That...

2010-06-15T11:15:00.007-04:00

We are very excited to find out on June 24 if we are having a 2nd little boy or a little girl. I have added a poll over -----------------------> Be sure to cast your vote now.

Have you tried this?

It's very yummy! Also, I have found that I am in love with all things vanilla this summer, including these:

They smell so good and will only be around for a short time, so be sure to stop by your local Bath & Body Works and sniff them all!

Because of my revived loved for Vanilla, I've also been addicted to these:

Other than these new developments, not a lot of exciting things going on in the K household. I hope you are all doing well!

Elaine

First Haircut 06/08/10

2010-06-08T20:12:00.010-04:00

Here Baby K is getting ready for his big haircut! He has already decided this isn't going to be fun! Still crying!!! Is she finished yet, Mommy? Paw Paw didn't know what he was getting in to!

Teething Bites!

2010-06-04T09:24:00.005-04:00

TEETHING BITES!!!!

Baby K is cutting all 4 of his baby molars at once. So, life at the K household has been a bit irritable, dramatic, and sleep deprived. He won't eat anything! Since he won't eat anything, he is waking from hunger. He is waking 4-5 times per night. At times I will go in to rock him to back to sleep and check his diaper. At times, I am making him just cry it out. This is heart breaking, but necessary. NO ONE is happy in the K household at this moment.

I have tried alternating Ty.lenol and Mot.rin. We have tried teething tablets--which some people swear by, but I honestly have no clue what they could do. [Have you ever tried those yourself?] He is refusing cold foods such as popsicles, ice cream, jello, or chilled fruit. We even bought some

What a rip off!!!!! This stuff is $13 for a six pack. You can buy six packs of other things *cough, cough* cheaper than that! He took one drink and refused it. He will drink juice and regular milk, but I am getting really concerned about his not eating.

The only thing I haven't tried is Orajel! He is already drooling terribly, and I have read that Orajel makes babies drool even more and can produce a choking hazard.

What worked for your toddler? Are there any remedies out there I can try to provide relief? What should I do about the refusal to eat? Advice welcome!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! It's going to be in the 90's here in NC! I love summer :) I am now 16 weeks pregnant. I still haven't felt new Baby K move, but am anticipating that any day now!

Elaine

You aren't alone...

2010-05-31T09:18:00.005-04:00

Recognize any of these people?

It's Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez, Celine Dion, Marcia Cross, and Courtney Cox.

Want to know why I chose all of these beautiful women? They all--like myself and many of you--experienced some form of infertility. Although IF is still considered a bit taboo to talk about, I wish these women were more public about their experiences.

Ever feel like you are walking in this journey alone? You aren't.

Random Post

2010-05-24T14:42:00.002-04:00

-Go here to read a prayer request from my friend Janna.

-Go here to read a prayer request from my friend Joannah.

-I finally finished reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. Unlike his other novels, I found this one to be predictable. It took me almost 3 months to finish it because half way through I could tell what the outcome was going to be. I typically love his books, and although I didn't hate this one, it wasn't my favorite.

-I think Baby K has infintigo. He has had a little rash under his nose and around his lips for about a month now. I can get it better by applying aquaphor, but it always comes back. So, I'm not sure if it is infintigo or some sort of food allergy. Never the less, tomorrow we have a doctor appt to see if we can clear it up for good.

-I am taking a class online this summer. I really hate online classes and the amount of work which comes with them, but I am really enjoying this class. We were required to create a class blog on Word.press, and I'll confess...I'm kind of loving Word.press compared to blogger.

-I nearly survived the Grey's Anatomy finally. With the season ending so suspenseful, it really proved how mediocre this season has been. But, the finally--Wow, is all I can say!

What are you guys reading now? I need a new book :)

May 17

2010-05-17T13:30:00.003-04:00

Since my last post, the spotting has stopped. I had my 13 week appointment and everything still seems good with Baby-on-the-way. Not much of anything really exciting to report going on these days. I hope you all are having a blessed Monday!

Basket of Nerves

2010-05-06T09:31:00.004-04:00

I am 12w2d pregnant and I am a basket case. My anxiety has sky rocketed with this pregnancy compared to when I was pregnant with Baby K. I called the dr. on Tues to request to be seen because I was having some very mild cramping. I really felt as if I were going to have a panic attack before I could get to the office. I couldn't see Dr. Wonderful, but I saw the NP who I thought was excellent. She was completely compassionate and understanding to my concerns. She did an internal exam and my cervix is still closed. She said my uterus is a nice round size. And, thankfully, we were able to find the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was a nice, strong heartrate of 164.

She also told me that although it wasn't completely unheard of, at 12 weeks having a miscarriage is extremely uncommon. She even told me, "your chance of miscarriage are diminishing while you sit here." That made me feel much better.

I left with a sigh of relief and a diagnosis that the cramping was coming from a ligament that is close to where my uterus is expanding.

Yesterday, I had a great day. The cramping had completely subsided and I felt really good--more confident. When I arrived home from school around 9 pm, I volunteered to put Baby K to bed. K has been so good about preventing me from lifting him. He's such a big boy now--almost 26lbs. So, K carried him upstairs and put him in my arms so I could rock him to sleep. After rocking him, I stood to lay him down inside of his crib.

Then I went to the bathroom. That's when I saw it... Brown spotting!

I admit, I have researched all there is to be researched about pregnancy and spotting since I experienced it here. I know that brown is not a cause of concern...

So, why do I fall apart? Why do I feel as if my body is playing mind games on me? Why am I "over-reacting"?

I called my nurse to report the spotting and ask if it was because of the pelvic exam. She agrees that it is likely the culprit, but I have been instructed to keep my eye on it and if it gets worse to call immediately. Or, if cramping begins go to the ER.

Praise God for no cramping!

So, am I a basket case? I never experienced any of this with Baby K...so this is all new to me. It's killing K that he can't "fix it" to make me feel comfortable in this pregnancy. It's killing me that I won't feel comfortable until I'm holding this sweet baby in my arms on Nov. 10.

Prayers appreciated for my body to cooperate and to get my anxiety under control.

Sorry, I haven't posted ultrasound pics. I will do that soon--perhaps after Mother's Day. I am still praying for so many of you in waiting.

Today's Appt

2010-04-15T13:31:00.002-04:00

Today's appointment has finally come and gone. The past few days I've had so much anxiety. I couldn't wrap my head around that I am pregnant again...and I felt those feelings of insecurity and fear quickly taking control of my emotions.

As I was walking into my appointment, I could feel myself shaking--you know, the kind of fear that takes complete control of your body and there isn't anything you can do to stop it. It doesn't help that our dr. office's ultrasound tech has zero personality...I mean ZERO! It's fair to say that she isn't paid to be friendly, but when you can see that someone is overwhelmed with fear of the unknown, I would think it would be appropriate to smile and be friendly.

Never-the-less, as I am preparing to sit on the exam table, K sweetly comes over to take my hand as if to say, "Honey, everything will be okay. Whatever the outcome, we will get through this." I love him. He always seems to know exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and the ultrasound is under way when I hear K say, "There's its heartbeat." Praise God! I could breath a big sigh of relief...my legs were no longer shaking. I am not having identical twins as we once thought--and you know what, I'm perfectly fine with that. What matters is that there was one beautiful, healthy heartbeat that took my breath away.

I will update with ultrasound pics tonight!

Elaine

8 weeks and counting...

2010-04-07T08:51:00.004-04:00

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. The spotting has completely stopped now, so I am hopeful that my appt on April 15 will bring good news. I know it's only a week away, but I seriously feel like the last two weeks have gone by in slow motion. I will feel so much better when I have my ultrasound and I can see that everything is okay. Right now, I feel like everything is fine because my morning sickness is in full swing...and it's more accurately described as an all day sort of sickness. I have found a strong aversion to pizza. Just the smell of it makes me sick! So, this has to be a good sign, right?

But, I'm still scared, so continue to covet your prayers and thank you for the ones you've already said for me.

Hanging In

2010-03-26T10:06:00.003-04:00

I'm still here, hanging in. Still spotting on and off, but trusting that this is normal. Yesterday was a really good day--I didn't have any, and my spirit was really encouraged by that. Today, it's back, albeit less than days before. I will be so happy when it's finally gone. Today, I am 6w2d, so it seems like eternity before I make it to the 2nd trimester. Until then, we pray and we ask everyone we know to join us in prayer.

This week has taken on a whole new stress. K's dad had a sudden massive heart attack on Wednesday, but praise God, is expected to make a full recovery. It was a huge wake up call to our family at how precious life can be--here one minute, but gone the next. I am so thankful that he is going to be okay.

I found this on another person's blog and it was so heart warming, that I wanted to share it with many of you. Enjoy!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

Everything is okay for now...

2010-03-22T13:10:00.006-04:00

I called my OB office first thing this morning and explained my situation. They immediately suggested I come in and see the Dr. who was on-call, Dr. G. I've seen Dr. G only once before, and he seems to be fantastic, although he wasn't Dr. Wonderful. As I am waiting in the patient room, I can feel my heart beginning to race. I did what I think were some deep breathing exercises (I'm not really sure) to calm my nerves. Suddenly, the door opens and in walks Dr. Wonderful. I began to cry tears of joy. I adore him! I feel completely comfortable with him, and I love that he is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of Dr. While I'm explaining to him what is going on, I'm trying to hold it together...he came over and gave me a hug. See why he's called Dr. Wonderful?

He did an internal exam and said everything appeared to be okay. He explained to me for the thousandth time that I am still *high risk* and I can't expect to go through this pregnancy complication-free. He did see a little bit of blood, but feels that it is from the prometrium irritating my cervix.

For peace of mind, he ordered an Ultrasound, but took the time to tell me that he highly anticipated that we would not be able to see a heartbeat. He just wanted to make sure he saw a sack. We did, and he was right, it was too early to see a heartbeat. But he saw two images in the sack, which "may" mean I am carrying identical twins...it's still too early to tell if they both will become embryos...

Wow! Excuse me? Did you just say I "may" be having twins? Yes, twins. "May" being the key word.

After the ultrasound he read the pictures and said that it all looked good. For me to go home and stop worrying. He suggested bringing me back in 2 weeks for another look at the baby/babies--we should definitely see a heartbeat at this time and be able to exclusively determine if there are one or two. So, now we wait until April 15 (I actually have to wait 3 weeks due to scheduling issues) to see the little heart beat(s).

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I am truly thankful for all of you.

A small scare...

2010-03-20T20:30:00.003-04:00

When I went to the dr. Wednesday, I was prescribed prometrium to be taken the first 12 weeks vaginally to help strengthen my uterine lining. I noticed Thursday evening that my lower back was really aching. It kind of felt like deja vu and my first m/c. My back always hurts right before AF sweeps in and and makes her presence known. But, I went to bed Thurs and nothing happened.

I worked all day on Friday and my back was still aching. So, last night I decided to go to bed once I put Baby K down for the night. When I inserted the prometrium, I noticed that there was some brownish spotting on the applicator...which immediately sent me hysterical. So, I downed a bottle of water as quickly as I could and went to use the bathroom to check again. Same scenario...nothing passed in the toliet, but when I would wipe, I saw some spotting--more brown than anything...(I realize this is TMI for some of you, I'm sorry)

I fell apart.

I started crying hysterically. I just knew that my stupid body was trying to reject this pregnancy. This morning, when the spotting was still there, I called the dr. on call to report my circumstances. I was quite disappointed that it wasn't Dr. Wonderful on call, and instead I got a dr. who has no inkling of my history or circumstances. However, I was told that this is considereded normal for using prometrium, althought I don't remember it ever occurring with Baby K.

I was told to be on bed rest for 48 hrs and resume all of my high risk precautions (no caffeine, no sex, no meds, etc). I do plan on consulting with Dr. Wonderful on Monday, if nothing more than to ease my mind that my cervix is closed. So after spending about 12 hours on the couch the spotting has stopped, but I am a bit nervous to do tonights suppository.

If you took Prometrium, did this happen to you? If you got pregnant, did you experience any spotting without m/c?

I'm really nervous...and I already love this baby so much, that the thought of losing him/her is completely devestating. Please continue to pray for our safety.

************updated Sunday 9:20pm**********************************
Today has been pretty uneventful. I have spent most of the day lounging around watching TV and reading. The spotting has decreased to a bare minimal. Sometimes when I use the bathroom it's there, while at others it isn't. I hope that's a good sign. I still plan to call the Dr. tomorrow, because let's be honest: I am probably doing more harm to this child stressing out than anything else. I will keep in touch with another update tomorrow.

Also, thank you so much for your kind words for me. Mel, your prayer brought tears to my eyes. I can't tell you how much I needed that.

Hugz to you all!

Update

2010-03-18T08:29:00.003-04:00

Good Morning My Friends! Are any of you out there? As you can see, I got really slack on the "Things I Love" blogging in February. As a matter of fact, once my little man turned one, the rest of February is blurry for me. How did life get so busy? More importantly, how can I slow it down? I am working diligently to catch up on all of your blogs and commenting. Thank you for your patience.

Also, big news in the K household...really BIG news. We are

I had my first dr. appt yesterday and I am only 5 weeks--still considered high risk, so I covet your prayers for the next 35 weeks. To say we were surprised would be an understatement---completely shocked sounds more accurate. Now that I've wrapped my head completely around it, we are really excited, and we look forward to the possibility that in November our little family of three will become four...

Take Care!

Feb 10

2010-02-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, my life completely changed. I held my miracle baby for the very first time! Today, he is turning one... Oh, how the time has past by so quickly! I don't want to miss a single second! Today, I love how the Lord still answers prayers!

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! I love you more than words could ever express. You are such a special person, and I know God has big plans for your sweet, little life.

Feb 8 & 9

2010-02-09T09:39:00.005-05:00

It's looking as if you will get a post from me every other day! Geez, I'm really going to have to make an honest effort to do better sharing things I love each day.

Today I love this blog. I am getting ready to be a part of the "So Long Insecurity" discussion group. I am so excited! Since I am a student 2 nights per week, this type of bible study is ideal for me! And what better author to lead you than this beautiful, Godly woman.

If you are interested in joining, go here to pick you up a copy of the book and here to add your name to the roll call. There is still time to get involved!

Today, I love

Usually, you either love sushi or hate it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I believe I could eat it every day (if I could afford it).

I also love this book that I just finished! It is so good. It's one of those books which really make you think about things. Go read it if you haven't!

Feb 6 & 7

2010-02-07T20:50:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was Baby K's first birthday party. It was absolutely wonderfully exhausting! We mailed out about 50 invites to our family and close friends. We probably had about 50-60 people show up, so I consider that a huge turn out. I love this picture of my little birthday boy...and he's WALKING! I love watching him!

And here are my niece and nephew with him. He loves them so much!

I will have a special post in the near future. We had a friend take professional portraits, and I just can hardly wait to see them.

Today, I love cough syrup. Even the nasty, yucky tasting kind.

I've been fighting off a cold for over two weeks. I've been treating it with almost everything you can think of over the counter. I decided this morning that I needed to go to Urgent Care for something stronger. I'm so glad I did. Turns out I have the beginning stages of pneumonia. I hate that Urgent Care is open on Sundays, but I love that I was able to get in/out today without much hassle. I also won't have to miss work this week to go to the regular doctor either.

Hope you are having a great weekend.

Feb 5

2010-02-05T09:37:00.005-05:00

I love SUNSHINE!!!! I hope by expressing my sincerest appreciation that it will make the sun want to come out from hiding and dry up all of this snow/sleet/ice that we've accumulated over the past 24 hours.

Feb 4

2010-02-04T11:27:00.005-05:00

I love Jason Aldean's newest CD. K surprised me with it for my birthday. He knows me so well! I just love that I can pop it in the CD player and listen to it in its entirety. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. In fact, I have it playing right now. Just one of the things I love this month!

Love Month

2010-02-03T09:10:00.007-05:00

My friend Deidre has the most wonderful idea! For the month of February she's listing the things she loves each day, and she has invited others to play along! So, if you want to play, jump on board!

I am a little behind the gang, but I confess that I love listing things that make my life wonderful. It is humbling and gratifying to count my blessings. So, without further ado, here are some things I love:

First, I love these two guys more than anything on Earth!

I knew love before them. I love my family and friends, but I never knew love this deeply. The kind of love that moves Heaven and Earth for their happiness. The love that overwhelms your entire being. And because I love them so much, it makes it almost impossible for me to wrap my head around how much God must love me/you.

The next thing I love is birthdays!

Why? Because we get to eat lots of cake and not feel guilty about it!!!! I just celebrated my 30th bday on Monday. It was really low key since we had about a foot of snow/ice on the ground. I spent the day at home with K and Baby K since our daycare was closed. (That was so much better than working as I had originally planned!) I mentioned this last post but Baby K's first birthday party is this coming Saturday. Unfortunately, we have more snow in the forecast. (So, as selfish as it sounds, would you please join me in praying for NO SNOW!?! Call me crazy, but I do NOT love Snow!!!!)

Today, what I love is this bible verse. Deidre shared it with me while I was walking through infertility. This verse has gotten me through so many hard times, both past and present.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11

I just love, love, love it! And Deidre, I love you for sharing it with me! (By the way, if you need to read a good, inspiring, Christian blog then jump on over to Deidre's. She is always inspiring me with her words of encouragement and parenting techniques. Plus, as an added incentive, you get a few laughs as well. God is using her blog to reach many people. I don't think she realizes how important it is to those of us who follow her.)

See you tomorrow!!!

Checking in...

2010-01-26T08:28:00.005-05:00

So, it seems thinking out my New Years Resolutions was a complete waste of time. Sure, I've taken out my contacts a few times, consumed a small amount more of water, almost finished up one book, spent a little less time on Facebook, and I've read a couple of pages in my Bible. I have cooked dinner for my family a handful of times. I've almost stopped obsessing over Kade's sleeping pattern. Was I too ambitious? No, I don't believe so, but why haven't I followed through with the goals I have?

My birthday is coming up. I'm officially in the last few days of my 20s. I'm not nearly as excited about my birthday as I am Baby K's. He is going to be one in two weeks!?! One!!!!!! Can you believe it? I sure can't! Also, my classes have started up again. I attend school two nights per week. So, in my own defense, I have been really busy lately. (Thus my neglecting to comment on many of your blogs.)

I'm in a rut right now. Have any of you been there? Where you are going through the many obligations and motions of life, and you blink your eyes to find the day completely gone and absolutely nothing accomplished? That's me. I read a quote yesterday that was really inspiring. It was, "Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done." That is also me. I feel like I work hard, but not productively. I'm having a really hard time finishing up the things I start these days. I will begin something, and my mind will drift away to something else that I also need to be doing and I will stop what I'm doing (half finished) and begin the other. I'm also having a really hard time remembering stuff. Just this week, as I was taking a shower, after washing my hair I couldn't remember if I had washed my body. I mean, I think I did, but I washed again to be sure. Crazy, huh?

How are things going for all of you?

Hand Mixer Giveaway!

2010-01-15T09:53:00.001-05:00

Go check out this website for a handy kitchen utensil giveaway! I almost bought one of these online, but held off! I think that look so neat, and I can't wait to read her review.